Christmas eve, eve... my list of things didn't really get accomplished today.. cleaning & laundry, yeah not so much. There is still gift wrapping, baking, cleaning, thinking & reflection to be done. Hopefully tomorrow will be very productive & reflective.
Finding time to sit down & think is hard. So many times wasters, I want to be more adamant about focused meditation on Jesus, being still & listening. There is too much noise in my life, too much going on. It's crowded, I don't really have a quiet place of my own to be.
My goals for myself might be to extreme or unrealistic... I don't really know.
I feel like crying right now, not so sure why. Broken dreams, or what seem like broken dreams I guess. Life is not what I wanted it to be & I know that God has a plan & has not forgotten about me. Yet...I feel forgotten & looked over. My focus needs to be off of myself, I don't know how to be focused on God without losing myself in a bad way. I know I need to die to myself & lose myself that way but what I tend to do is try so hard to focus on God that I can't focus on anything, even sitting down to read Gods Word. I need help, dear Jesus I need help! I pray for wisdom but in reality I just want knowledge. Oh God may my heart be in the right place before You, bowed down & humbled. I don't know what else to do, I feel like a fake.