Friday, April 5, 2013

This is my where I've been...

Hello Friends,
I'm attempting to get back into a more steady stream of posts.
Life has been a overwhelming,
I feel as though I slept through the entire month of March.
Anyways, things have happened.....
I definetely have felt God's slow & steady working in my life,
which is refreshing & so long awaited.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" - 1 Peter 5:10

These verses have been a comfort to me the past few months.
I had been going through some personal issues of pride, discontentment, doubt, unbelief & selfishness.
I felt as though I were being attacked at every turn,
for months I was in a very low point,
darkness & hopelessness flooded my soul.
Thoughts that had never crossed my mind had become so prevelant.
My mind, heart & soul fought against each other & fought against my  charecteristics & personalities.
One Saturday evening, my friends &
I went to a new church. While songs were being sung & worship was progressing. I looked to the screne & saw the above verse.
As I read those words, tears started rolling.
{Suffering, that was exactly what I had been feeling. Physical suffering, not so much. However I was at war within myself emotionally & mentally,
I was straight up believing the lies satan was drenching me with.
Crying was an hourly thing...
Some of this was due in part to that fact that my younger sister was leaving  to be in Africa for six months. She & I have always been really close & she had been there when this junk was going on. She understsood it somewhat & was there to give me a "Bible smackdown" when needed.
and then she left. I was alone. no one else got it like she did. Life because a theme of "holding in the tears of discontentment, anger, hopelessness in"}
slowly, very slowly the darkness grew smaller & smaller;
little situations happened. Providential conversations happened...
Over time I kept living, sometimes praying other times yelling at God out of confusion & anger.
suddenly I realized "I'm not who I was. I don't feel how I did."

The last few months have been some of the most diffilcult of my life,
my friends & sister prayed for me, kept telling me it wouldn't last forever.
I didn't believe them, all I wanted was a way out.
My mind would wander to dark places, thoughts that had never crossed my mind. I remember thinking "why bother having faith, nothing ever happens. God does not hear me. He does not care. I live in constent disappointment.I constently cry out & hear, feel or see no answer." I remember feeling so uncomfortable my friends or family would talke about "God working in their life" or when spiritual topics would arise. I felt like rolling my eyes & saying "whatever".

I can't say there was a defining moment in my life when things turned around but now I stand writing this with a totally different mindset.
I stand with a hope for what is to come, I'm a work in progres...