Nothing

Nothing I do or say or think has any purpose and meaning. Ths only thing I want is to be free from this doubt and unbelief, this pride and selfishness, this discontentment and bitterness. That's why I feel lost and have no purpose, why everything seems meaningless; because it is. Nothing makes any sense, God is truth. God is real, that I know. (take that and go from there...) If God is truth and God is real then his word is truth and real. If his word is truth and real then that means he is love and good and just and holy and merciful and right and gentle and he has a plan and he hasn't forgotten you nor will he ever. If his word is truth and he is real then you are forgive, your debt paid, you are redeemed, you are free. His love and grace are offered, freely. He expects perfection and you can't measure up to his level of righteousness, no matted what you do, say, think; no matter how much or little you serve, no matter your intentions or desires. Jesus blood. Jesus sacrifice. Jesus perfection, life, righteousness, death and resurrection are the "magic" equation nothing else fits. Nothing else is the answer to THE question.
Failure to believe this is rejection of God for which there is no answer, no forgiveness. God will not make another way. He made a way, rejecting His way, His Son, His word, His truth is rejecting Him. The only solution, THE ONLY answer is to turn to Him, to know Him, to run to Him, to seek Him, to love Him. Repent. Repent. Seek Him. Run to Him. Ask forgiveness. Choose surrender....surrender.....let it go....release yourself into His hand. Stop fighting. You're not fighting yourself, you're fighting The Almighty God. THE ALMIGHTY GOD. Let hope rise, satan has you in his grip and you've relaxed and let him have reign, he rules you, you have been serving satan. Satan, ths king of lies, deciet, heartbreak, darkness and death. Satan is your god. (let that sink in).....
What will you do now? Make a choice. What is it? "choose this day whom you shall serve..."
You can't serve two gods. God has good for you. satan has misery, failure, disappointment, heartache, death, hell.
You're scared? What could be worse then the misery you've been experiencing? Death? Well yes, death would be. You will stand before God, your name is in his book... But He has not been glorified, He has not been served, loved, accepted. He have EVERYTHING for you. Have His son for your salvation and redemption.
Do you even understand that? A plan for you,  to draw you to Himself because HE LOVES YOU. You know the truth, well you have knowledge of it. There isn't a magic way of life, put the guilt down, let go of it. This guilt is a lie straight from satan and the pits of hell. He has no right to you. Satan offers you nothing you really want or need. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO YOU. NONE.
IN THE NAME OF JESUS, IN THE NAME OF GOD ALMIGHTY LEAVE SATAN! LEAVE... I AM NOT YOURS. IN THE NAME OF GOD ALMIGHTY RELEASE ME. I BELONG TO GOD. I AM HIS.
Jesus, set me free. release me from bondage, release me from captivity. Loose the
power satan has in my life, enable me to fight it. I've been living lies. Ths biggest lie was that I tricked myself thinking I loved You. I didn't, I want to love You more. Soften my heart, open my eyes. Prepare me for battle, it's not I over. With everything, may I fight. Fight do me Jesus. You are holy. You love me. You are good. You're plan is good. I am not forgotten. I will serve You. I will love You. Jesus. Jesus. forgive me...
I am sorry. I am broken. Heal me, Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus...
Let hope rise and darkness tremble at Your Holy light. You hold my hopes and dreams and my life. May my faith increase. Today I choose to trust in You and be content, You word says You will never leave me nor forsake me. I will rejoice today. I will give thanks today. I will pray. I will surrender. I will trust.

**Conversation had with myself and God, I spent about an hour sitting in my car, in my driveway listening to "With Everything" By Hillsong over and over as I typed all of the above into the inkpad on my phone.
I've been struggling, wanting an encounter with God, but haven't tried to be still before God because of fear or waiting for the ideal situation, things to be clean, organized and neat. I don't know why I was waiting for all that, because nothing has ever been ideal a day in my life.
I know that when I wake up tomorrow I may very well be in the same funk I've been in, so many voices have told me that nothing will change, nothing will get better.... but if I really believe what I say I believe then I'll trust in God. I don't really know what that looks like though...I'm learning and changing, hopefully.**

Spill proof

Spill proof, not today. This will be a random dumbping of thoughts that stem from grumpiness (possibly)

1. I am glad I do not have kids.
*because the kids at work have been driving me nuts!!!!! I know I work at a shelter and the kids need attention but really stop acting like such needy cats all the time. I don't want to be touched, layed on all the time. I can't stand the attitudes and whiny-ness.

2. The overuse of the word "random" is just stupid. Seriously I don't think that word means what most of you think it means, because the things you are saying are "random" are not really random.
So quit it!

3. I really, really don't care to go to Mary Kay, Avon, Michie, Arbonne, 31, PartyLite, Pampered Chef, etc parties... waste of time, too expensive and nonsensical.
Why do I keep getting invited. Why does someone who I haven't talked to in years all of a sudden call me up and want me to host a party? no. so stop inviting me to a million other things too, not happening.

thats it.

On the first day of December...

 

On this first day of December I face the oncoming Christmas season, I must be honest & say that this year, things feel different. My outlook has changed & I feel as though I see the lack of purpose & value in so many things more clearly now. (which is about the only thing I see clearly these days) The Ecclesiastes viewpoint seems to be stuck in my head {everything is meaningless} I have been going through a very real struggle, I believe I've been at war within myself, as well as battling a spiritual, emotional & mental war.

Thanksgiving just passed & I went through it without being very thankful or grateful. As I sat with my immediate family for our Thanksgiving lunch, we said what we were thankful for. I was dreading this, I didn't feel very thankful & I haven't been too happy about much in my life lately.

When my turn came I said "I'm thankful that I was able to go to Africa", which is totally true. That trip changed everything & I am still figuring out ways how I've changed.

Yet I seem to be consistently unhappy, discontent, ungrateful, selfish, angry, doubtful, fearful & the list goes on & on.

My very center has been shaken & I feel so twisted. One night this last week I was having a conversation with my dad. Earlier in the week I had a very frustrating, emotional day & took it out a bit on him. He asked if I wanted to talk about anything but I said no at that moment because the tears were ready to fall & I hate.hate.hate crying in front of anyone.

So we had our conversation, he just listened as I talked & talked.  None of his responses were particularly profound but it was nice to talk out what I was feeling.

 

I've made some realizations, or rather God has revealed things to me....??? I don't really know, it's hard to tell these days.

I am fighting myself, my side of organization, details, structure & lists are at war against my artsy, creative, go with the flow, gray area self.  I am utterly confused about why God made me as He did because I am being tortured.

 It doesn't make sense to me, these two sides seem so opposite so how can they exist so strongly in one person. God has a plan. says a not so confident whisper inside me that I want to believe.

 So badly I want to be free of this weight. I dream of freedom & contentment. Oh Jesus let it be soon!

May I be obedient, I don't just want a casual relationship with Christ or routine religion.

Things have gotten dull. Monotony has set it. I am getting antsy for something more. I see the lack of purpose & meaning in things, yet I can't seem to pull away from some of it. God seems to be tugging on my heart in this area....