Saturday, December 1, 2012

On the first day of December...


On this first day of December I face the oncoming Christmas season, I must be honest & say that this year, things feel different. My outlook has changed & I feel as though I see the lack of purpose & value in so many things more clearly now. (which is about the only thing I see clearly these days) The Ecclesiastes viewpoint seems to be stuck in my head {everything is meaningless} I have been going through a very real struggle, I believe I've been at war within myself, as well as battling a spiritual, emotional & mental war.
Thanksgiving just passed & I went through it without being very thankful or grateful. As I sat with my immediate family for our Thanksgiving lunch, we said what we were thankful for. I was dreading this, I didn't feel very thankful & I haven't been too happy about much in my life lately.
When my turn came I said "I'm thankful that I was able to go to Africa", which is totally true. That trip changed everything & I am still figuring out ways how I've changed.
Yet I seem to be consistently unhappy, discontent, ungrateful, selfish, angry, doubtful, fearful & the list goes on & on.
My very center has been shaken & I feel so twisted. One night this last week I was having a conversation with my dad. Earlier in the week I had a very frustrating, emotional day & took it out a bit on him. He asked if I wanted to talk about anything but I said no at that moment because the tears were ready to fall & I hate.hate.hate crying in front of anyone.
So we had our conversation, he just listened as I talked & talked.  None of his responses were particularly profound but it was nice to talk out what I was feeling.
I've made some realizations, or rather God has revealed things to me....??? I don't really know, it's hard to tell these days.
I am fighting myself, my side of organization, details, structure & lists are at war against my artsy, creative, go with the flow, gray area self.  I am utterly confused about why God made me as He did because I am being tortured.
 It doesn't make sense to me, these two sides seem so opposite so how can they exist so strongly in one person. God has a plan. says a not so confident whisper inside me that I want to believe.
 So badly I want to be free of this weight. I dream of freedom & contentment. Oh Jesus let it be soon!
May I be obedient, I don't just want a casual relationship with Christ or routine religion.
Things have gotten dull. Monotony has set it. I am getting antsy for something more. I see the lack of purpose & meaning in things, yet I can't seem to pull away from some of it. God seems to be tugging on my heart in this area....

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