Honestly

I am about to break it down, no not dance {my only move is the sprinkler however that is for another day}.
A couple of days ago I posted about an upcoming fast that I am taking part in with my Bible study girls.  I know Biblical fasting is obstaining from food and devoting that time to prayer and seeking God intently.  I wanted to fast from something and do it right but I couldn't think of something that seemed just right.  With every idea that I had cam many excuses why it wouldn't work.  I think a lot of my problem has been discontentment.
 The last few days have been especially hard. Part of my goal for this year is to live with contentment in Jesus Christ. I have really sucked hard core at this the last few weeks. To be honest...

I am NOT content.

I am miserable.

I detest the season I am currently in.

I am angry.

I am irritable,

unhappy,

jealous.

I really believe that God is trying to get my attention, in the area of contentment and jealousy.  I keep hearing things that are happening to other people and it kills me inside because I want what they have. I want that good life, those magical moments...but it doesn't happen. I really don't know how to let go.  For awhile I think it's going well but really it's just a trick, momentary lapse of "control" and it's peaceful so I think I am content. AHHH Oh Jesus help me!

This photo perfectly describes what I feel.

As far as I can see it's just ocean, other then what I am standing on and what is behind me.

I think eventually there is something there maybe. 

I can't get there easily or quickly,

it will take forever.

Alone it is hopeless.

I need to be carried.

I need direction, otherwise I am heading backwards. 

The possibilities are beautiful,

exciting and scary.

No way am I stepping off into this abyss of unknown ahead of me,

not without some help,

guidance,

direction.

If I do....

I.will.sink.

It is foggy, 

I can't see whats ahead,

well after so far.

I am mad,

because I want to be there,

I want to go,

I want to make that step.

But it is like I am glued to where I am,

even though my soul is screaming to go,

dying,

longing to move...

but I can't.

I need a push....

Oh contentment where are you?

Peace, be in my soul.

Awaken me...

to rejoice always,

pray continually 

& give thanks in all circumstances!

Jesus be my guide, 

hold me close.

Open my eyes,

my heart,

my mind.

I want to seek You intently.