Thursday, January 19, 2012


I am about to break it down, no not dance {my only move is the sprinkler however that is for another day}.
A couple of days ago I posted about an upcoming fast that I am taking part in with my Bible study girls.  I know Biblical fasting is obstaining from food and devoting that time to prayer and seeking God intently.  I wanted to fast from something and do it right but I couldn't think of something that seemed just right.  With every idea that I had cam many excuses why it wouldn't work.  I think a lot of my problem has been discontentment.
 The last few days have been especially hard. Part of my goal for this year is to live with contentment in Jesus Christ. I have really sucked hard core at this the last few weeks. To be honest...
I am NOT content.
I am miserable.
I detest the season I am currently in.
I am angry.
I am irritable,

I really believe that God is trying to get my attention, in the area of contentment and jealousy.  I keep hearing things that are happening to other people and it kills me inside because I want what they have. I want that good life, those magical moments...but it doesn't happen. I really don't know how to let go.  For awhile I think it's going well but really it's just a trick, momentary lapse of "control" and it's peaceful so I think I am content. AHHH Oh Jesus help me!
This photo perfectly describes what I feel.
As far as I can see it's just ocean, other then what I am standing on and what is behind me.
I think eventually there is something there maybe. 
I can't get there easily or quickly,
it will take forever.
Alone it is hopeless.
I need to be carried.
I need direction, otherwise I am heading backwards. 
The possibilities are beautiful,
exciting and scary.
No way am I stepping off into this abyss of unknown ahead of me,
not without some help,
If I do....
It is foggy, 
I can't see whats ahead,
well after so far.
I am mad,
because I want to be there,
I want to go,
I want to make that step.
But it is like I am glued to where I am,
even though my soul is screaming to go,
longing to move...
but I can't.
I need a push....

Oh contentment where are you?
Peace, be in my soul.
Awaken me...
to rejoice always,
pray continually 
& give thanks in all circumstances!
Jesus be my guide, 
hold me close.
Open my eyes,
my heart,
my mind.
I want to seek You intently.

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