Saturday, February 11, 2012

the truth

the truth is....
i don't feel peaceful
i feel broken, but not in a "good broken" way.
i am afraid.
i am so freaked out by how emotional i have been lately.
searching will never be over, i fear the answer will never be found.
i am weak.

My moral compass points north, no matter what. I am strong willed, I like details & facts. There has to be a is my driving force. Faith is so hard for me, not doubting is impossible. I know what I know is truth, applying it & feeling so like such a distant idea. I long for things so much it hurts. This unrest & discontentment rears it's ugly head & you would think all hell broke loose. I hate myself when emotions gethe best of me{quick to listen, slow to speak & slow to become angry}. I can cry at the drop of a hat [NO it's not PMS, NO I am not pregnant] I feel like I am fighting for my life here in an emotion & seemingly spiritual battle. Explaining what is going on inside my heart & head is so diffilcult..honestly this whole "thing" probably doesn't need to be explained, but because of me I feel I have to. Satan is trying his best to bring me down & it has worked, but "For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day."

How sweet to know there is forgiveness for all  of my ugliness.
This attitude is awful, a scheme of satan.. in 2 Corinthians 2:10b-11 it says "I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." I have certainly seemed {unaware}.

In moments such as this I want answers, no one can seem to understand enough about where I am coming from or how I see things or what I am feeling. I am screming for Jesus to hear me, for some sort of sign to know He is there {even though I know He is always there} I desperately want to feel it. Why are feelings so important?

Oh sweet Jesus.... I know you are breaking me. Give me a heart to seek You diligently. Give me the strength to obey You. Open my eyes to see You & how You are working. Open my ears to hear You.
Help me to love You with everything. I want to be consumed by You, desperate for You. Empty me Jesus, empty me of all things me & fill me with Your Spirit. Give me Your peace that passes all understanding.
May I be still & rest in You.

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