Monday, April 23, 2012

pieces & chips

long sigh, I am feeling really stressed. 
Stare at this photo for a minute or two 
& breathe deeply....
Do you feel any better?
I think I might.
Today has been a day,
not horrible but not great.
My emotions are running high....

My mind has been everywhere lately,
I feel like this photo today,
I'm a wall,
throughout the day cracks & chips happen,
pieces fall & at the end I am not the same.
I hate it when people try to make me look foolish,
or use my weaknesses for their gain,
even in fun.
I already feel guilty a lot,
so when someone makes me feel more guilty
& like I can't measure up,
or possibly be as great as they are
my feelings are hurt.

I had hurt feelings today, 
people were rude.
Honestly, how can people be so rude?
I work at a homeless shelter for women & children,
we get no government funding, 
those who stay do not have to pay,
all we ask is that they follow our guidelines & rules.
Yet, most all seem to think they are entitled.
We already serve them,
but they want more.
When I encounter those people I just want to shout at them:
Nothing we do there  is ever good enough.

I was the night shift manager tonight so I was seeing all the guests, 
checking them in,
answering questions & problems.
I like that position but I do not appreciate when people are rude,
especially when I am being nice & respectful to them.

Days like this make me want to cry...
I am a person too.
I have feelings,
& they were hurt today.
By co-workers, 

I have been thinking about how people who are close to me are leaving,
some in a month for the whole summer.
Some in several months for 6 months.
Some are leaving in a year,
Some just have plans they are going after.
They know what they want to do,
God has shown them...

How I wish that feeling was familiar.
I feel left out.
My biggest dream/hope/calling is something I have no control over,
it's not something I can just pursue or make happen.

Selfishness is not my desire with this.
God has given me talents, skills dreams, hopes for a reason.
Many of those I don't know how to use now.

I am thankful for what God has given me.
He is good.
He is faithful.
He is loving.
He is full of mercy.
He is full of grace.
He is the redeemer.
He is the truth.
These things I know.
I am broken,
let down.

Tonight I need Jesus....
a lot.
I need love.
a voice.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Befy,
    Do you know that I respect you allot? I admire your desire for God's leading in your life. I am jealous of your child-like faith in Christ.

    I hope I am not one of those people who has hurt you. I know we have plans to leave... this doesn't mean leaving you behind. You are an influential person who has had (and still does have) a lasting effect on those around her. You are a woman who is of the Lord.

    You are beautiful. You represent Christ well. I am blessed to know you.