This is my where I've been...

Hello Friends,

I'm attempting to get back into a more steady stream of posts.

Life has been a overwhelming,

I feel as though I slept through the entire month of March.

Anyways, things have happened.....

I definetely have felt God's slow & steady working in my life,

which is refreshing & so long awaited.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" - 1 Peter 5:10

 

These verses have been a comfort to me the past few months.

I had been going through some personal issues of pride, discontentment, doubt, unbelief & selfishness.

I felt as though I were being attacked at every turn,

for months I was in a very low point,

darkness & hopelessness flooded my soul.

Thoughts that had never crossed my mind had become so prevelant.

My mind, heart & soul fought against each other & fought against my  charecteristics & personalities.

One Saturday evening, my friends &

I went to a new church. While songs were being sung & worship was progressing. I looked to the screne & saw the above verse.

As I read those words, tears started rolling.

{Suffering, that was exactly what I had been feeling. Physical suffering, not so much. However I was at war within myself emotionally & mentally,

I was straight up believing the lies satan was drenching me with.

Crying was an hourly thing...

Some of this was due in part to that fact that my younger sister was leaving  to be in Africa for six months. She & I have always been really close & she had been there when this junk was going on. She understsood it somewhat & was there to give me a "Bible smackdown" when needed.

and then she left. I was alone. no one else got it like she did. Life because a theme of "holding in the tears of discontentment, anger, hopelessness in"}

slowly, very slowly the darkness grew smaller & smaller;

little situations happened. Providential conversations happened...

Over time I kept living, sometimes praying other times yelling at God out of confusion & anger.

suddenly I realized "I'm not who I was. I don't feel how I did."

The last few months have been some of the most diffilcult of my life,

my friends & sister prayed for me, kept telling me it wouldn't last forever.

I didn't believe them, all I wanted was a way out.

My mind would wander to dark places, thoughts that had never crossed my mind. I remember thinking "why bother having faith, nothing ever happens. God does not hear me. He does not care. I live in constent disappointment.I constently cry out & hear, feel or see no answer." I remember feeling so uncomfortable my friends or family would talke about "God working in their life" or when spiritual topics would arise. I felt like rolling my eyes & saying "whatever".

I can't say there was a defining moment in my life when things turned around but now I stand writing this with a totally different mindset.

I stand with a hope for what is to come, I'm a work in progres...

catch up

Haven't posted in a looooong time, honestly I'm not sure what I have been doing for the last four-ish months.
December: consisted of anger & tears
January: more tears, anger and questions.
February: one word. "irritation"
March: a little more "freed" and not a lot of pruductivity.....

Like I said, I don't really know what I have been doing with my life for the last four months.

Newness is upon me however, in about a week and a half I will be road trippin to Las Vegas! Yeah!!! Super stoked about that.
Also I've got some weddings to photograph this year so thats good. My photography business has been really slow this year, nothing much is going on

*Pray the Lord sends me people who need my services*

[pho - tog - ra - phy] I've been experiencing some twists & turns in my thoughts, dreams & desires in this area. I've been doing photography for about 7 years now & have really enjoyed it, yet in the last few months I haven't had the passion for it. I feel God is has been turning "my future" in another direction. Taking pictures is great, people are cool to work with & all but when i sit down & think about it, photography is kind of a waste of time...if there is no purpose behind it. I understand the "a purpose" could be capturing moments in time so those memories are remembered, that I understand. Yet I feel like anyone can do that; but if I am a follower of Christ shouldn't I be doing something that a non-follower can't do? For awhile I've known that I wanted to use this talent/skill God gave me for His good purpose and for the furtherment of His kingdom. I don't know what that looks like but I am willing to pursue it.
______________

I have a Greek, exegetical paper looming. I'm just auditing so there  isn't any "good grade stress" & I probably don't even have to do it, but what is the point of the class if I don't do the work required. So anyways, I will be studying Romans 8:1-11, & parsing & doing word studies for the next weeks to come -

Nothing

Nothing I do or say or think has any purpose and meaning. Ths only thing I want is to be free from this doubt and unbelief, this pride and selfishness, this discontentment and bitterness. That's why I feel lost and have no purpose, why everything seems meaningless; because it is. Nothing makes any sense, God is truth. God is real, that I know. (take that and go from there...) If God is truth and God is real then his word is truth and real. If his word is truth and real then that means he is love and good and just and holy and merciful and right and gentle and he has a plan and he hasn't forgotten you nor will he ever. If his word is truth and he is real then you are forgive, your debt paid, you are redeemed, you are free. His love and grace are offered, freely. He expects perfection and you can't measure up to his level of righteousness, no matted what you do, say, think; no matter how much or little you serve, no matter your intentions or desires. Jesus blood. Jesus sacrifice. Jesus perfection, life, righteousness, death and resurrection are the "magic" equation nothing else fits. Nothing else is the answer to THE question.
Failure to believe this is rejection of God for which there is no answer, no forgiveness. God will not make another way. He made a way, rejecting His way, His Son, His word, His truth is rejecting Him. The only solution, THE ONLY answer is to turn to Him, to know Him, to run to Him, to seek Him, to love Him. Repent. Repent. Seek Him. Run to Him. Ask forgiveness. Choose surrender....surrender.....let it go....release yourself into His hand. Stop fighting. You're not fighting yourself, you're fighting The Almighty God. THE ALMIGHTY GOD. Let hope rise, satan has you in his grip and you've relaxed and let him have reign, he rules you, you have been serving satan. Satan, ths king of lies, deciet, heartbreak, darkness and death. Satan is your god. (let that sink in).....
What will you do now? Make a choice. What is it? "choose this day whom you shall serve..."
You can't serve two gods. God has good for you. satan has misery, failure, disappointment, heartache, death, hell.
You're scared? What could be worse then the misery you've been experiencing? Death? Well yes, death would be. You will stand before God, your name is in his book... But He has not been glorified, He has not been served, loved, accepted. He have EVERYTHING for you. Have His son for your salvation and redemption.
Do you even understand that? A plan for you,  to draw you to Himself because HE LOVES YOU. You know the truth, well you have knowledge of it. There isn't a magic way of life, put the guilt down, let go of it. This guilt is a lie straight from satan and the pits of hell. He has no right to you. Satan offers you nothing you really want or need. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO YOU. NONE.
IN THE NAME OF JESUS, IN THE NAME OF GOD ALMIGHTY LEAVE SATAN! LEAVE... I AM NOT YOURS. IN THE NAME OF GOD ALMIGHTY RELEASE ME. I BELONG TO GOD. I AM HIS.
Jesus, set me free. release me from bondage, release me from captivity. Loose the
power satan has in my life, enable me to fight it. I've been living lies. Ths biggest lie was that I tricked myself thinking I loved You. I didn't, I want to love You more. Soften my heart, open my eyes. Prepare me for battle, it's not I over. With everything, may I fight. Fight do me Jesus. You are holy. You love me. You are good. You're plan is good. I am not forgotten. I will serve You. I will love You. Jesus. Jesus. forgive me...
I am sorry. I am broken. Heal me, Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus...
Let hope rise and darkness tremble at Your Holy light. You hold my hopes and dreams and my life. May my faith increase. Today I choose to trust in You and be content, You word says You will never leave me nor forsake me. I will rejoice today. I will give thanks today. I will pray. I will surrender. I will trust.

**Conversation had with myself and God, I spent about an hour sitting in my car, in my driveway listening to "With Everything" By Hillsong over and over as I typed all of the above into the inkpad on my phone.
I've been struggling, wanting an encounter with God, but haven't tried to be still before God because of fear or waiting for the ideal situation, things to be clean, organized and neat. I don't know why I was waiting for all that, because nothing has ever been ideal a day in my life.
I know that when I wake up tomorrow I may very well be in the same funk I've been in, so many voices have told me that nothing will change, nothing will get better.... but if I really believe what I say I believe then I'll trust in God. I don't really know what that looks like though...I'm learning and changing, hopefully.**

Spill proof

Spill proof, not today. This will be a random dumbping of thoughts that stem from grumpiness (possibly)

1. I am glad I do not have kids.
*because the kids at work have been driving me nuts!!!!! I know I work at a shelter and the kids need attention but really stop acting like such needy cats all the time. I don't want to be touched, layed on all the time. I can't stand the attitudes and whiny-ness.

2. The overuse of the word "random" is just stupid. Seriously I don't think that word means what most of you think it means, because the things you are saying are "random" are not really random.
So quit it!

3. I really, really don't care to go to Mary Kay, Avon, Michie, Arbonne, 31, PartyLite, Pampered Chef, etc parties... waste of time, too expensive and nonsensical.
Why do I keep getting invited. Why does someone who I haven't talked to in years all of a sudden call me up and want me to host a party? no. so stop inviting me to a million other things too, not happening.

thats it.

On the first day of December...

 

On this first day of December I face the oncoming Christmas season, I must be honest & say that this year, things feel different. My outlook has changed & I feel as though I see the lack of purpose & value in so many things more clearly now. (which is about the only thing I see clearly these days) The Ecclesiastes viewpoint seems to be stuck in my head {everything is meaningless} I have been going through a very real struggle, I believe I've been at war within myself, as well as battling a spiritual, emotional & mental war.

Thanksgiving just passed & I went through it without being very thankful or grateful. As I sat with my immediate family for our Thanksgiving lunch, we said what we were thankful for. I was dreading this, I didn't feel very thankful & I haven't been too happy about much in my life lately.

When my turn came I said "I'm thankful that I was able to go to Africa", which is totally true. That trip changed everything & I am still figuring out ways how I've changed.

Yet I seem to be consistently unhappy, discontent, ungrateful, selfish, angry, doubtful, fearful & the list goes on & on.

My very center has been shaken & I feel so twisted. One night this last week I was having a conversation with my dad. Earlier in the week I had a very frustrating, emotional day & took it out a bit on him. He asked if I wanted to talk about anything but I said no at that moment because the tears were ready to fall & I hate.hate.hate crying in front of anyone.

So we had our conversation, he just listened as I talked & talked.  None of his responses were particularly profound but it was nice to talk out what I was feeling.

 

I've made some realizations, or rather God has revealed things to me....??? I don't really know, it's hard to tell these days.

I am fighting myself, my side of organization, details, structure & lists are at war against my artsy, creative, go with the flow, gray area self.  I am utterly confused about why God made me as He did because I am being tortured.

 It doesn't make sense to me, these two sides seem so opposite so how can they exist so strongly in one person. God has a plan. says a not so confident whisper inside me that I want to believe.

 So badly I want to be free of this weight. I dream of freedom & contentment. Oh Jesus let it be soon!

May I be obedient, I don't just want a casual relationship with Christ or routine religion.

Things have gotten dull. Monotony has set it. I am getting antsy for something more. I see the lack of purpose & meaning in things, yet I can't seem to pull away from some of it. God seems to be tugging on my heart in this area....

 

 

 

Fridays Letters

dear editing I.HAVE.FINISHED, for now, FINALLY. dear Christmas-time the season is coming too quickly, slow it down buddy. dear self can you please, please get it together? Enough already! dear Pinterest thank you for all the lovely inspiration, but I get so jealous as I see so many lovely things. dear dad thanks for staying up & letting me dump my thoughts out, sometimes we don't get along but I kind of like those late night chats where you just listen & add a few thoughts here & there. dear Jesus keep holding on to me please, bring me peace, clarity & surrender. dear blog friends stick with me, I have been scarce & I apologize, I'm hoping to start some new things in December....maybe. I've been busy & haven't felt like I have a whole lot to say right now. 

*sigh*
just observed on FB pics of people with their foodie groups doing cultured things, & cool young peeps going bowling, making hot chocolate.

Oh how I wish I had a group of friends to go do God-centered, cultured things with. Guys & girls... but alas I don't. I do however have a few great, close girlfriends & for that I am grateful.

What do I do on my Tuesday nights? work. watch kids & mamas.
ugh...maybe one of these days I'll have a life outside of work.

The whys & the inbetween

 God works in subtle obvious ways.
This may sound like an oxymoron,
but alas it is not...

I have been struggling greatly in my spiritual walk,
I've felt as though I have flat lined. I know the Bible is the truth & everything in it is true & right.
Yet, lately I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier.
That was something I realized this morning before getting up, as I was laying in my bed.

I've noticed messages being repeated,
sermons or Bible studies all with common themes.
One week it's about the working of the Holy Spirit,
another week it's finding your purpose, another week it's letting go & accepting God's grace. This morning I was thinking about adventure...about how during the summer I was all about adventure & whatever will be will be. I long for adventure now, but I feel so weighed down by responsibilities & financial strain, not that those things weren't present during the summer because they were but I feel more worrisome now. I'm consumed with the "why" of things, knowing "why" in some circumstances is important but I realized knowing or figuring out the "why" isn't always necessary. If I strive for that, I'll never be satisfied because there will always be another "why" & I'll go nuts!
(Ooh I just looked up & saw all these "whys" & thinking man I'm like a 2yr old...)

My desire to know "why" is backed by fear, my fear of letting go. My mind & heart tell me that if I let go & surrender I'll be stuck doing the same thing over & over again. I'll just constantly be disappointed. I then  took that thought a little further & made the realization of.. I haven't surrendered, nor have I let go & I feel like I walk in constant guilt, fear, loneliness & disappointment, always feeling like I am stuck. (That is from not letting go & surrendering) So what are the chances that, if I let go & truly surrendered, I wouldn't be stuck & disappointed? Would I have freedom? Would I have peace? Would I see through the eyes of Jesus?
{On another ironic note, the last page I've written on in my journal, I wrote the lyrics "give my Your eyes so I can see what I keep missing, give me Your heart for the brokenhearted..." by Brandon Heath...my main man} Maybe, just maybe...now for the givin it up. Try it!...ooh gurl it's about to get real.

Apparently I did a lot of thinking today, because I was also pondering this question...
Why do you believe what you believe? My first answer was "I don't know" followed by "well no other belief or religion could spread so far & have such a great effect, in such a massive way, to such a massive amount of people if it were false. So it has to be true. No other god has had that effect on the world. If it is of men it would have failed, there would be so many inconsistencies but if it is/was of God it can't be stopped."  For me to have this debate within me might seem silly or childish, but believe me things have been real. I've been feeling "it"; discontentment, frustration, longing, failure, doubt, unbelief, cynicism, judgement, guilt, anger, loneliness, selfishness & pride.
Like I said earlier, I woke up this morning thinking.. "I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier."  Over & over I hear messages of hope & Christs love, but those messages don't seem to penetrate to the heart. I read some verses in Ephesians this morning that were good & applicable to my current pondering.
Ephesians 5:4 "Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."  I realized I can be so negative, when someone says "life is good!" I immediately think "uh are you kidding me?" which is stupid because honestly, I am blessed, God is good to me but because of my selfishness & pride I refuse to see the good. I thought I was that girl who was an optimist; you know, happy, pleasant, stable, balanced....{uh no dude, apparently I changed my mind & the cup is half gone. The half that is gone was the good stuff all that remains are tears...oh mother of pearl, I cry at the drop of a hat... it's embarrassing. I swear I'm not PMSing nor am I pregnant! for real though...}
The lies Satan feeds me are filthy, foolish & it effects me to have such a negative outlook. In the same chapter of Ephesians verses 6-16 say "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 
Therefore do not become partners with them, for at one time you were in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light (for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true) and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 
For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 
for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 
Awake, O sleeper, 
and arise from the dead 
and Christ will shine on you.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise. 
Making the best use of the time for the days are evil."

I have been so deceived by Satan's empty words, these lies that I believe need to be exposed. I need to live & walk in goodness & honesty. Oh how I want to walk in a wise way, in a way of peace & truth.
God has been bringing up these messages in subtle ways but I've noticed.

Oh Jesus, I want to be free!

Help me to let go, 

S U R R E N D E R,

& rest in the joy,

F R E E D O M 

& P E A C E

of Your presence.

Open my eyes to see how 

You see me, 

get rid of my 

discontentment, frustration, 

 failure, doubt, unbelief, 

cynicism, judgement, guilt, 

anger, loneliness, selfishness,

fear & pride.

Show me how to walk wise,

in goodness & honesty.

Help me to 

W A K E   U P!

i die, i die..lol

this kills me... lol

(before freaking out that I posted this photo read this post.)

Fridays Letters

dear election I am glad it is over. dear believers I found myself being very disappointed with yall during & after the election. Bashing & saying hateful things is completely unnecessary. I find it a tad amusing observing all the cries out to God since Tuesday. I believe they might have doubled or tripled beyond what I had observed before. Like we didn't need God before, but now that Obama will be President, again, everyone all of a sudden is freaked out. Seriously, a major part of the body of Christ has not acted accordingly. I don't say this to judge, I am guilty at times for saying things I shouldn't. Can we get it together & pray.

dear phone I was so excited to finally get a new one (no iphone, an andriod, this girl ain't got money for an iphone... i wish) can you please, please just let me activate you & not be so diffilcult. dear mess & chaos I'm so over it, why do I have so much junk? like for real....

 

oh, for the love! Why do we do this?

Ok for real, you crazy cray home-schooler alum and {fellow} believers out there who are full of cynicism, what is with you? Y'all make me want to curse! ( I can say home-schooler because I was schooled at home)

Romans 13:1-7 "Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. 4 For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."


"But let's also not use these verses as permission to vote for ungodly, bad leaders. That is never what God's will is. God created government the institution, but we are responsible for the quality of leadership. We are to be respectful, but not irresponsible."

My reasoning for posting this, is due to all of the bashing and hateful comments about our current leader I have seen in the last few hours. I don't agree with everything he stands for, but I also believe that saying hateful things is not the way to handle it. Prayer is.

Along with that, what kind of message does that send to our un-believing friends? That it's okay to act towards someone in a hateful and demeaning manner because we don't agree with them or their values? Not exactly what I would consider being a good witness.

We have the freedom to vote, as believers and followers of Christ it is our responsibility to look at what the candidates stand for and then prayerfully measure that with the truth of the Bible.


No matter the outcome of the election, God is in control and has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) Disrespecting the man God has put in authority of our country now, does not reflect Christ-like behavior; whether or not you agree with what they stand for....living Christ-like is of the utmost importance.
Check yourself!

I came across this quote today & I really like it...


"I met those of our society who had votes in the ensuing election, and advised them:
1. To vote, without fee or reward, for the person they judged most worthy
2. To speak no evil of the person they voted against, and
3. To take care their spirits were not sharpened against those who voted on the other side."
- John Wesley, 1774

It seems Christians who have the stance that voting Republican ensures your salvation and voting Democrat makes one loose their salvation or that voting Democrat calls ones' salvation into question.
Last time I checked Acts 16:31 didn't say " believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thought shalt be saved and also always vote Republican or you are doomed to hell". 

In the last few hours I have seen sides of people that were not pretty. Do not get me wrong, I am guilty is many things.
Seeing so many negative comments about our president, seeing people bash him and say hateful things really bothers me. I do not agree with all that President Obama stands for but if I sit and complain and bash him that in no way is honoring to God.
I would be wasting my breath, because really...is it honestly worth it to speak ill of our leaders?
In the morning will it matter what I said? Will it change the outcome? No, no it doesn't.
So instead of wasting our breath complaining and sinning use that breath to pray. I'm not talking the whole sarcastic attitude of doomed to failure, I'm talking get on your knees and pray-pray, it's way more effective!

Fridays Letters

dear editing ugh, can we just be done already! dear Awaken Conference I had a blast shooting &  the experience was great. dear emotions & such why must you be so crazy. dear over thinking, paranoid mind please just stop. dear G thanks for hanging with me on Halloween, even though our movie choices were odd. It was still great! dear A, D & J thanks for a fun night of food & games! dear Jesus speak to me, help me to accept your love & grace. I am desperate for You to work & move.

This is Africa | Womens Conference, Kids Camp & last day.

Sorry this took so long!


Friday & Saturday: 10 -11 August 2012

Womens Conference & Kids Camp

Friday morning we were able to sleep in a bit and have a slower start, which was so nice because Saturday will start early and end late.

After I showered I found a weird bit on my leg that had rather big blisters. :(

It's so grody. I have no idea what it was or how I got it.

Thankfully on our team we had a nurse and pharmacist, 

I asked both of them to look at it and was able to get some cream to put on it.

I wasn't the only one that woke up with a health issue.

Whitney woke up very ill as well, she was scheduled to speak at the conference on Saturday.

Judah Africa

After getting to the school we got things set up ready for the conference.

The women of Judah Africa worked so hard and the church looked so beautiful! 

Those women know how to decorate a church!

Getting the church ready.

Women lining up for the conference

Getting manicures!

So many volunteers to come and help!

LaNell speaking on the power of the Holy Spirit

Time of worship through song

 

Michelle Franzen talking about the "Prodigal Daughter"

Thato and ..... (translators) helping k

Fridays Letters

dear emotions I've had about enough of your shenanigans, cut it out you punk! dear God thank you for the opportunities this week. Thank you for working and being faithful even when I act like a crazy person full of doubts. dear H thanks for being my friend, when we both have our "life issues" and need some whatever time I got yo back girlfriend...even if I don't measure when I cook/bake. Don't hate me for being a free spirit! 

dear All Sons & Daughters music I've been enjoying the beauty of God's word in your music! dear rain & wetness please, oh pretty please stay away until tomorrow at like 5pm!!

a bit of a pouring | emotions & faith

Emotions and faith, do they go together? This is a question I am asking myself regularly, I struggle with this so often. I know the Word of God to be true, however I feel as though I am not seeing anything happen, no feelings of peace or guidance....nothing.
What I know as truth can't seem to be separated from my emotions. Apparently in my mind they exist simultaneously, one can't function without the other. My struggle here is this: I know God is at work (somewhere) but I don't feel it, see it or experience with my senses. 
If I were to rely on emotion alone I fear I would give up because I don't "feel" like anything is happening. If I were to rely on what I know (with no experience) I feel like I would be a cold, robotic, legalistic "Christian". Faith based solely on feelings seems selfish, that kind of faith is all about the experience.
My knowledge of the Bible and my faith in the "reality" (truth) of it as God's word keeps me from giving up and letting go due to the lack of me "seeing/feeling/sensing" the working and presence of God in my own life.
I believe emotions/feelings do play a part in faith. If emotions are removed from faith in Christ the experience is removed. The experience and movement of the Holy Spirit is what convicts and encourages change.
Relying solely on emotions takes the faith part out of being a follower of Christ.
Faith is belief that is not based on proof.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for. ³ By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

I have faith that God is real, that His Word is true and good. I have faith and believe what the Bible says... why is it that I struggle so much with feeling like He is actually doing something? My pride and selfishness in wanting to see and do what I want rather then being still to be aware of what God has. I forget all that God has done, the times of unexplainable  peace in the midst of pain and heartbreak. The times where He has provided what I needed, the times of healing from brokenness and freedom from bondage. 

Martin Luther said... We must not judge by what we feel or by what we see before us. The Word must be followed, and we must firmly hold that these truths are to be believed, not experienced; for to believe is not to experience. Not indeed that what we believe is never to be experienced but that faith is to precede experience. And the Word must be believed even when we feel and experience what differs entirely from the Word.

I'll keep crying out to God, believing His word. That He is good and true. That He is working and has a plan; a plan that goes far beyond what I can ask or imagine. I've been reminded of this several times in the last few days, in conversations with friends and family, from lyrics of a song and sweet truths in God's word.

recognize yall

                                 

I've been thinking about a lot lately, probably too much.

My mind runs wild with all the possibilities,

& the unknowns that come with them.

After returning from Africa, 

 adventure & travel was on my mind. 

All I wanted (want) to do is travel, 

focus on photography, art, media & ministry.

I looked into YWAM DTS programs 

(Youth With A Mission; discipleship training school)

that were centered on creative arts,

I found one in Australia that I was very

interested in & was just about to apply for,

then I found out the cost i had been told was only for the first segment.

The 2nd segment would cost another possible $5,000.

(which meant I'd have to raise about $12,000)

Fundraising for ministry is tough, it's how I've grown up.

I know that God is good & if it was His will He would provide.

I feel like something in me changed after I found out that information.

I kept trying to remember Proverbs 3:5-6, 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

 and lean not on your own understanding, 

in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

{trust in the Lord with all your heart.....} - I have such a hard time with trusting the Lord; 

I have the head knowledge but my heart/feelings/emotions don't seem to catch on.

I know the Word of the Lord is true, all the time.

Even when I say my thoughts out loud &

compared to the Bible, what I think or say is false.

I continue to move forward & think that way.

Do feelings really have any place in being a follower of Christ?

Sometimes I have a really hard time knowing what "trusting with all your heart" is or what it looks like.

I want to trust God with everything.

I want to do what God wants me to do.

I want to follow His purpose for me.

I want to walk in His ways.

I want to live a life that pleases Him.

I want my life to be an example.

I want others to see Jesus in me.

I want to have a humble & contrite heart.

I want to be filled with peace & joy.

I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I want to walk with Jesus.

I want to have a personal, intimate relationship with Him.

I want to have a heart of son (daughter) ship, not an orphans heart.

....yet it seems the more I cry out,

 the more lost & stuck I feel.

The more I ask for wisdom & guidance, 

the less wise & guided I fee.

I am completely lost & stuck,

 I thought I had no idea what I was doing before...

it's more so now. 

I have no clue, none whatsoever, what God wants me to do, 

where He wants me to go. If He wants me to stay. I am not at peace,

yet crying out is doing nothing but make me more unsure &i miserable.

{...lean not on your own understanding....}

 I am so incredibly imperfect & flawed,

yet I can't let go of what I know & see.

The finite view I am privy to,

that only stretches so far.

 

...and every time it stops.

can't go any further.

how do I let go of dwelling on my own understanding?

because I want to so badly!

{...in all your ways acknowledge Him...}

ac·knowl·edge

   [ak-nol-ij]  means.....

verb (used with object), ac·knowl·edged, ac·knowl·edg·ing.

1.

to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth,or fact of: to acknowledge one's mistakes.

2.

to show or express recognition or realization of: to acknowledge an acquaintance by nodding.

3.

to recognize the authority, validity, or claims of: The students acknowledged the authority of the student council.

4.

to show or express appreciation or gratitude for: to acknowledge a favor.

5.

to indicate or make known the receipt of: to acknowledge a letter.

So basically in everything admit the existence of God

& His presence.

Show gratitude & appreciation 

& make known...

{Recognize yall}

By faith. We must repose an entire confidence in the wisdom, power, and goodness of God, assuring ourselves of the extent of his providence to all the creatures and all their actions. 

Those that put themselves under a divine guidance shall always have the benefit of it. God will give them that wisdom which is profitable to direct, so that they shall not turn aside into the by-paths of sin, and then will himself so wisely order the event that it shall be to their mind, or (which is equivalent) for their good. Those that faithfully follow the pillar of cloud and fire shall find that though it may lead them about it leads them the right way and will bring them to Canaan at last

(commentary by Matthew Henry)

Psalm 99:5-

Exalt the Lord our God, 

and worship at his footstool; 

He is holy.

struggles, ain't no body got time for that...

self consciousness.
judgement.
insecurity.
guilt.

I consistently feel these upon my soul.
like arrows being shot at me.
Yesterday afternoon, I went out with some friends for Autumn photo capturing.
However, unlike most other times I was not the picture taker (for the most part)
I was the subject {we were all suppose to get all dolled up but not all of us did}
When I am behind the camera I have confidence, I am not the very best there ever was..
but I know what I am doing.
I can't pose myself, because I can't see myself to pose myself.
....honestly getting my photo taking is possibly the. most. awkward. thing for me....ever.

Insecurity is something I have always struggled with.
How I look is important to me,
sometimes I can be pretty vain & conceited about how I look.
Which doesn't seem to go with the insecurity & self-conscious view of myself.
Pride  is the root of all sin, so in feeling this way I am sinning.
I was asking Jesus yesterday to "hammar" this awful self image to the ground
(no, I didn't spell that wrong, if you don't think it's funny it is because  you don't know my last name...)

When I feel like this, many times the answer I get from others is this...
"you have to just see yourself how God see's you"
 uhh...ok awesome. but HOW?!?!?!?!?!??
I don't know if this is just me but answers like that are as useful to me as American money in Paris.
{I can say that because I've been there & experienced it.}
A constant struggle in my faith is having it.
Taking the head knowledge to heart knowledge.
I believe the Bible is the inspired, true, Word of God.
I know it. I won't deny it,
feeling it & living it is where my problem comes in.
 [i'm getting down to the nitty-gritty now... lol]

this is my daily struggle.
believing God is for real @ work in my life & has a plan.
I know it, but I don't always believe it.
AHHHHHHHHH!
I'm praying for a hunger to overtake me. I'm praying that I won't be blinded but that my heart & eyes would be open to see the good & the ways God is moving.

_______________________

rain. rain. rain. all day, it is the cause for canceled photo sessions. One today & one tomorrow.
it was a good day. I completed photos for a client! {2 more to go as of now}
I had NO. zero plans today after the photo shoot was rescheduled. drank a lot of coffee &
for once I didn't spill coffee. however, today I did not go to the gym. but instead got dressed, rather cute to go to Best Buy & Family Video. I think I had intentions of going elsewhere but decided if I were to go elsewhere (namely Target) I would spend $$ on the non-important.
so after returning home with several movies. I started editing & watching movies & drinking coffee.

good stuff. I'm thankful for today, a day to catch up & relax.


*this post seems incomplete & wierd, I apologize, I feel that is all though.
(coming soon...thoughts well written on this)