On my heart: Background

This past weekend I was able to visit a friend in Flint.

I can't tell you how nice it is to get away, even if away is only about an hour away.

This season of my life stresses me out,

mostly because I truthfully do not want to be in it.

I have a lot of freedom, in a way.

I am not totally tied down,

well other then having a job schedule to work around.

Yes, in a way that is nice.

But when one's deepest longing is to be tied down,

have roots of your own....

& it's not happening

that.is.stressful.

As I was walking around downtown Flint with my friend I felt at peace,

maybe it was due to expections for the rest of that day or the next.

Maybe my peace was due to doing what I wanted for then

& maybe (most likely) God had just given me that peace.

My almost two days in Flint had me thinking back to the month before when I had last visited.

I remembered my heart of discontentment,

I was bitter, angry...just a little bit.

That outer coating on my soul was so unhappy.

As I was driving, I knew my attitude had changed ever so slightly.

I felt more at peace then the last time.

A bit more content,

not totally ok or happy with all things in my life,

but more content.

My expectations from this weekend away weren't fully met,

but that is ok, things never work out that way.

Church Sunday morning was such a welcome change.
My friends church is quite different then mine,

& it pains me to say that I find my home church dull,

not totally lifeless,

but I don't feel like I fit there anymore.

Though my home church is very welcoming & friendly;

I feel my time there will soon be over.

I don't know when or where I will go after but I feel starved for more.

Starved for what I am not getting there.

My heart is in a state of unrest

{that is a story for another day, God is still working in me...}

As I was sitting in my friends church I felt so much peace,

the message spoke to my heart...

I was praying that God would use this message to help me make changes for good.

Once I came home I knew I would be challenged.

My mind was on the message, the thoughts of..

Am I just doing my duty?

Am I going above & beyond?

The gospel goes above & beyond what is simply needed.

Is sacrifical worship the state of my life?

Is it my true, deep down desire to know Jesus?

I know I am so plagued by guilt,

self-conciousness,

excuses,

planning,

&

pride.

I have so far to go,

so much to work on.

I forget so often that I don't have to do anything to recieve the love of Christ.

He died for me when I was still a sinner,

He loved me first.

Why do I think I have to do all these things to get the right

combination for things to just fall in place?

 

God is working on my heart,

teaching me about humility.

I was listening to Lecraes song "Background"

this morning & I listened to it several times,

aparently I was to work on humility today.

"I could play the background cuz I get in the way.

Let me fall back, not be the star

but stardust, leading to the Superstar."

So I guess that is my goal,

H.U.M.I.L.I.T.Y.

Jesus, may my heart be humbled.

Bowed down to You.

May I seek Your face,

create in me a broken & contrite spirit.

Oh let me run to You

& learn from You.

May I be gentle

& patient,

casting all anxiety,

consider others better then myself,

slander no one.

May I live peaceable

& be considerate,

self-controlled & alert.

Let me play the background....

& trust in You.

3 Good Things

day #36

{3}Good Things Thursday

[1.] Spent time with a good friend of mine. 

[2.] Took pictures, had coffee, went for a walk & had grilled cheese.

[3.] Work was really, really busy so the time passed quickly.

*****

I forget that striving to live "rejoice always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances..." isn't easy, nor comfortable. Liveing that piece of Scripture humbles me & makes me cry. I am thankful for Gods grace & mercy to keep working in me & on me when I want to give up.

Work tonight was rough. I was very, very busy, earlier today I had told my friend that I expected things to be calm & dull at work. I should not have said that because it was the exact opposite. I am thankful I didn't have many dramatic things to deal with, just business & a few personal battles. I like being busy because the time seems to pass more quickly. Living out 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Rejoice always,pray without ceasing,give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  is not easy, on my way home tonight I was in tears because I felt attacked at different levels. I felt my authority had been undermined. I felt I had to always explain why I did certain things even when I am not making bad decisions.  I felt like I was too nice to people & that I don't have the guts to stick to the guidelines & that people just look at me as spineless. I felt as though some people I work with had made some poor choices in how they had dealt with certain guests & I didn't know what to do about it.... I just cried, ready to give up. I feel like I don't belong there, this is not what I want to do, this is not what I like, I am not comfortable with this.

Then I realized something... God called me to this job, He dropped this opportunity in my lap, literally. I did not have to seek it out, it wasn't my first choice but it was my only idea/option. God worked it out. I would have not ever went for a job like this, not really "up my alley". But God knew that, I know He is teaching me things; & it's taken me WAY out of my comfort zone. No matter what happens...God gets praise. God gets thanksgiving.

He is humbling me, with His grace & mercy...He is working on me.

Contentment

day #7

Contentment is something that so many people search for, full, wordly contentment, I believe, never happens. One can not be truely content without a functional relationship with Jesus Christ. I saw "functional" because anyone can know Jesus, or even have a relationship with Christ, but when one has a functional relationship with Christ there is fruit. I struggle with contentment, because when I think of that concept I think "contentment is being in a perfect state of happiness with all areas of your life." I am not in a perfect state of happiness with all areas of my life, I want any things to change. I am thankful for all the things God has given to me, but to be honest God has given me these dreams & desires, strong desires that have just not happened. I try to live by Gods word & truth & seek Him in all areas of my life, but I am a sinner. A redeemed sinner, saved by grace. A part of me wonders what God is waiting for? Is He waiting for me to content until He moves in those areas? Then I feel like giving up because I know I'll never be content, well on my own I won't be. My heart wonders what is true, Biblical contentment, here is what I found...

• Contentment grows out of humility & trust in God. -Psalm 131:1, NIV. "My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.



• Contentment grows out of devotion to Christ & eternal values. -Matthew 6:24, NIV. "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."



• Coveting is a barrier to contentment. -Exodus 20:17, NIV. "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."



• Materialism is a barrier to contentment. -I Timothy 6:9, NIV. "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction."

Lord, give me a heart at rest in You. May I be content in who I am in You & where You have me. I want to be content yet not be stagnant. May my heart be one of humility, bowing down before You. May I overflow with trust in You & devotion to You. May coveteousness & materialism be far from me. Fill me with thanksgiving & worhsip. I desire to live a life sold out to You, walking in humility & contentment.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. -Psalm 23