The whys & the inbetween

 God works in subtle obvious ways.
This may sound like an oxymoron,
but alas it is not...

I have been struggling greatly in my spiritual walk,
I've felt as though I have flat lined. I know the Bible is the truth & everything in it is true & right.
Yet, lately I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier.
That was something I realized this morning before getting up, as I was laying in my bed.

I've noticed messages being repeated,
sermons or Bible studies all with common themes.
One week it's about the working of the Holy Spirit,
another week it's finding your purpose, another week it's letting go & accepting God's grace. This morning I was thinking about adventure...about how during the summer I was all about adventure & whatever will be will be. I long for adventure now, but I feel so weighed down by responsibilities & financial strain, not that those things weren't present during the summer because they were but I feel more worrisome now. I'm consumed with the "why" of things, knowing "why" in some circumstances is important but I realized knowing or figuring out the "why" isn't always necessary. If I strive for that, I'll never be satisfied because there will always be another "why" & I'll go nuts!
(Ooh I just looked up & saw all these "whys" & thinking man I'm like a 2yr old...)

My desire to know "why" is backed by fear, my fear of letting go. My mind & heart tell me that if I let go & surrender I'll be stuck doing the same thing over & over again. I'll just constantly be disappointed. I then  took that thought a little further & made the realization of.. I haven't surrendered, nor have I let go & I feel like I walk in constant guilt, fear, loneliness & disappointment, always feeling like I am stuck. (That is from not letting go & surrendering) So what are the chances that, if I let go & truly surrendered, I wouldn't be stuck & disappointed? Would I have freedom? Would I have peace? Would I see through the eyes of Jesus?
{On another ironic note, the last page I've written on in my journal, I wrote the lyrics "give my Your eyes so I can see what I keep missing, give me Your heart for the brokenhearted..." by Brandon Heath...my main man} Maybe, just maybe...now for the givin it up. Try it!...ooh gurl it's about to get real.

Apparently I did a lot of thinking today, because I was also pondering this question...
Why do you believe what you believe? My first answer was "I don't know" followed by "well no other belief or religion could spread so far & have such a great effect, in such a massive way, to such a massive amount of people if it were false. So it has to be true. No other god has had that effect on the world. If it is of men it would have failed, there would be so many inconsistencies but if it is/was of God it can't be stopped."  For me to have this debate within me might seem silly or childish, but believe me things have been real. I've been feeling "it"; discontentment, frustration, longing, failure, doubt, unbelief, cynicism, judgement, guilt, anger, loneliness, selfishness & pride.
Like I said earlier, I woke up this morning thinking.. "I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier."  Over & over I hear messages of hope & Christs love, but those messages don't seem to penetrate to the heart. I read some verses in Ephesians this morning that were good & applicable to my current pondering.
Ephesians 5:4 "Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."  I realized I can be so negative, when someone says "life is good!" I immediately think "uh are you kidding me?" which is stupid because honestly, I am blessed, God is good to me but because of my selfishness & pride I refuse to see the good. I thought I was that girl who was an optimist; you know, happy, pleasant, stable, balanced....{uh no dude, apparently I changed my mind & the cup is half gone. The half that is gone was the good stuff all that remains are tears...oh mother of pearl, I cry at the drop of a hat... it's embarrassing. I swear I'm not PMSing nor am I pregnant! for real though...}
The lies Satan feeds me are filthy, foolish & it effects me to have such a negative outlook. In the same chapter of Ephesians verses 6-16 say "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 
Therefore do not become partners with them, for at one time you were in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light (for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true) and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 
For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 
for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 
Awake, O sleeper, 
and arise from the dead 
and Christ will shine on you.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise. 
Making the best use of the time for the days are evil."

I have been so deceived by Satan's empty words, these lies that I believe need to be exposed. I need to live & walk in goodness & honesty. Oh how I want to walk in a wise way, in a way of peace & truth.
God has been bringing up these messages in subtle ways but I've noticed.

Oh Jesus, I want to be free!

Help me to let go, 

S U R R E N D E R,

& rest in the joy,

F R E E D O M 

& P E A C E

of Your presence.

Open my eyes to see how 

You see me, 

get rid of my 

discontentment, frustration, 

 failure, doubt, unbelief, 

cynicism, judgement, guilt, 

anger, loneliness, selfishness,

fear & pride.

Show me how to walk wise,

in goodness & honesty.

Help me to 

W A K E   U P!

oh, for the love! Why do we do this?

Ok for real, you crazy cray home-schooler alum and {fellow} believers out there who are full of cynicism, what is with you? Y'all make me want to curse! ( I can say home-schooler because I was schooled at home)

Romans 13:1-7 "Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. 4 For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."


"But let's also not use these verses as permission to vote for ungodly, bad leaders. That is never what God's will is. God created government the institution, but we are responsible for the quality of leadership. We are to be respectful, but not irresponsible."

My reasoning for posting this, is due to all of the bashing and hateful comments about our current leader I have seen in the last few hours. I don't agree with everything he stands for, but I also believe that saying hateful things is not the way to handle it. Prayer is.

Along with that, what kind of message does that send to our un-believing friends? That it's okay to act towards someone in a hateful and demeaning manner because we don't agree with them or their values? Not exactly what I would consider being a good witness.

We have the freedom to vote, as believers and followers of Christ it is our responsibility to look at what the candidates stand for and then prayerfully measure that with the truth of the Bible.


No matter the outcome of the election, God is in control and has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) Disrespecting the man God has put in authority of our country now, does not reflect Christ-like behavior; whether or not you agree with what they stand for....living Christ-like is of the utmost importance.
Check yourself!

I came across this quote today & I really like it...


"I met those of our society who had votes in the ensuing election, and advised them:
1. To vote, without fee or reward, for the person they judged most worthy
2. To speak no evil of the person they voted against, and
3. To take care their spirits were not sharpened against those who voted on the other side."
- John Wesley, 1774

It seems Christians who have the stance that voting Republican ensures your salvation and voting Democrat makes one loose their salvation or that voting Democrat calls ones' salvation into question.
Last time I checked Acts 16:31 didn't say " believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thought shalt be saved and also always vote Republican or you are doomed to hell". 

In the last few hours I have seen sides of people that were not pretty. Do not get me wrong, I am guilty is many things.
Seeing so many negative comments about our president, seeing people bash him and say hateful things really bothers me. I do not agree with all that President Obama stands for but if I sit and complain and bash him that in no way is honoring to God.
I would be wasting my breath, because really...is it honestly worth it to speak ill of our leaders?
In the morning will it matter what I said? Will it change the outcome? No, no it doesn't.
So instead of wasting our breath complaining and sinning use that breath to pray. I'm not talking the whole sarcastic attitude of doomed to failure, I'm talking get on your knees and pray-pray, it's way more effective!

Fridays Letters

dear fears I really want to kick you to the curb, I'm a punk when you're around.

dear australia I'm thinking & praying about coming, get ready! dear laptop I am very thankful for you, because of your existence in my life my job is so much easier to do. dear apples I am sad that the price that is required in order to purchase you has gone so high, so I suppose it shall be pumpkin everything for fall! dear boots your inagural wear on saturday was great, I was looking good! However the combination of extensive heel wearing, running on the tredmill (I don't usually do the tredmill) and wearing new shoes (for 6+ hours) made me so sore! dear treadmill I am not a runner, but I am rather proud of the fact that I ran longer then 5 consecutive minutes today, more like 10 so you know...

dear kb/lecrae/trip lee/andy mineo I'm brushing up on my gangtsa, you have no idea how geeked I am about the concert in a week. I COULD WEEP! dear job I've had enough of you this week, it's been real. I'm grateful for my two days off and the lesser work week next week. dear kid at work you are sweet, I love how you want to go and read Revelation before bed, and that you know the books of the Bible and that your favorite is Jeremiah! dear Bible good stuff...

Nehemiah 9:28

²⁸ “But as soon as they were at rest, they again did what was evil in your sight. Then you abandoned them to the hand of their enemies so that they ruled over them. And when they cried out to you again, you heard from heaven, and in your compassion you delivered them time after time.

Hebrews 9:28

New International Version (NIV)

²⁸ so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.

23+1=24

It was my 24th birthday today.
It was a good day. Pretty adult. :)

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and storms. I love.love.love the sound of rain.
Laying in bed when it's dark outside just hearing the soft or rough sound of rain. LOVE IT.
Recently I read Hosea 6:3, hearing the rain reminded me of that.







"Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear....

Hosea 6:3

As I sat listening to the rain that verse was in my head,
rain is refreshing, and it saturates the ground.
Oh that I would press in and acknowledge Jesus.
He will appear!

______
Today went a little like so...

Went to the gym.
breakfast. computer work.
had lunch with my parents.
wandered around some stores.
met friend for time at mall & sushi.
and fro yo!
then target!
Found some cute things!!

(*I would have pics but my phone pics didn't load, maybe I'll post them tomorrow)

I must go for tomorrow will start early.
Babysitting my favorite little guy all day!

This is Africa | Week 2

Sunday - 5 August 2012

Sunday was a bittersweet day, my sister and I would be heading over to Baptist camp to stay with a group that was coming in from Texas. Sunday morning we went to church at GodFirstCity, it was amazing! That perticular day they had a guest worship leader, she was from Cape Town and was also the captain of the womens Springbucks Team for South Africa.

I would honestly compare her to Kari Jobe! The church was awesome, people of different languages, cultures, countries, backgrounds. I felt like this is what a church should be. God1stCity meets in a nightclub/restaurant every week. As we were singing I was filled with emotion, I knew we were at the middle point of our time in Africa and only had a week left. At that point I had no desire to go home.

View from where we stayed.

My sister and I were dropped off by Rich Franzen and Micah, they helped us bring things in, showed us around and left us to organize some stuff while they went to retrieve the team who was to arrive that night.

 Joanna and I got our room set up, organized the Impact Africa merch, got the kitchen in order, washed our jeans in the sink and hung them to dry outside, got dinner ready and waited for the team.

At least our pants had a view while they dried. It took a long time for them to dry because it wasn't very warm

and the wind was cold.

While we waited Richs wife and three kids came by and we chatted with them for awhile.

I just loved getting to know them, I had read about them and heard about them from my sister. But to talk to Michelle and the kids was great because I saw the passion they have and heard what God had done to get them where they are today.

City view from where we stayed.

Bokeh lighting from the view.

The team arrived, brought in all of their luggage and we all ate. It was a little awkward, new people not sure what to say...by evening we had gotten more and more comfortable with the team
It's because of the game "Mafia" (seriously this group LOVES this game)
I had played before at church and with the interns the week before, but the TX team plays it slightly different and it was great!
We honestly played this game almost every night, several times!
It was like this game was our life outside of ministry. When we weren't talking about ministry we were talking about Mafia, but it was so much fun!

Monday - 6 August 2012

Our ministry started with two days in Diepsloot, Monday morning we started with training which I was so grateful for.

This new way of doing ministry felt so vast. I was so familiar with one certain way of doing ministry that I felt really overqualified in one area but completely underqualified to do what was being explained.

As we set out for ministry I was a "leader" of a group, I was totally unsure about what to do.

My team was fantastic and just jumped right in.

They looked to me for a bit of guidance and direction and I helped where I could,

but I also made sure to tell them this was all new to me too and I was learning right along with them

"River" in Diepsloot, the smell was so pungent and awful.
Garbage is just left and the "water" running through the sqautter camps is not clear nor is is cloudy,
it is gray and smells awful and filled with bacteria and disease.
Thankfully there are water pumps through out the camps so those who live in the squatter
 camps can have access to clean water.

After our afternoon in Diepsloot we headed back to Impact Kids to head back to Baptist Camp for dinner. After eating dinner we sorted through supplies the team brought for the womens conference.

We put together 300+ welcome bags and 300+ gift bags and 50ish door prizes with a lot of times going back to take something out or put something in or recheck.
However after about 3 hours our team of 18 had it completely finished.
So what did we do?
Play Mafia of course!

On Monday as I prepared to go to bed I was journaling and talking with my sister. I shared how I felt so flatline. My emotions weren't what I thought they would be. I didn't feel like I had a story to share nor did I feel wise enough to share. I know the Bible but I don't KNOW the Bible...
I've memorized verses and have a lot of head knowledge, the translators we worked with KNOW the Bible so well, verses & references and I was feeling so illequipped.  

Tuesday - 7 August 2012

2nd day ministry group.
Me, Bethany, LaNell and Michelle Franzen with two women we ministered to and a translator.
The two women (the ones wrapped in blankets) both made a decision to make Jesus King of their life.

As we were talking to the two ladies above there were several others that joined in. Michelle was awesome at conversing, I was still feeling way out of my element but with every conversation God was giving me more and more confidence.
This type of ministry is all about building relationships and I struggle so much with being relational.


This little girl found me my very first day in Diepsloot (and first day in Africa). She stayed with my group again the two days we were in Diepsloot. She loved being held and singing songs.





Impact Kids school in Diepsloot.
oh also while were in Diepsloot on this day, there was snow coming from the sky! I kid you not, winter in South Africa = cold.
However they haven't had snow for 20 years.
The kids were so excited!
As was Micah, he had been praying for it.

After ministry in Diepsloot back to Baptist camp we went for dinner and... MAFIA.



Wednesday - 8 August 2012

Impact Kids school in Kya Sands













To Kya Sands we go!


Wednesday was our first day in Kya Sands. Our ministry destination for that day was the other side of the river of Kya.
So cross it we must, I was a little nervouse about this because we are warned to not go into the water, you could grow a limb.
Also last summer as my sister was crossing she fell in.
However our whole group was successful and no one fell in; the guys were awesome in helping us females across.
Our ministry group this day was great, we started talking to one guy about the gospel and stayed there for quit awhile.


Karen (in the Arkansas sweatshirt) was so funny, you could hear her saying "mmmmhmmm" or "ok" all over.
She was getting in on what these two ladies were doing.
Seriously Karen could be in a Madea movie she is that kind of funny!


As Timmy (in blue) and Zach (in green and red) talking to some guys.
In the morning my group was in this spot talking to some guys,
we had intern Sarah with us but the whole time we were talking to them I felt as though they were mocking us.
Mostly everyone we talked to was open and wanting us to talk to them but we did find some people who were uninterested.



Zach using our Bibles to explain how there is a gap between us and God.

Timmy, Karen, Timba (translator) and Carrie warming themselves by the fire.
Behind them are the port-a- potties, behind those we saw big rats.
Timba says the rats are so big they chase the cats. He says the cats don't even try to eat the rats, they just lean up againts a wall and watch and eat cornflakes. (I'm sure some of the story is made up lol )




Kids at Impact Kids eating snack.


As we were walking through the alleys of Kya sands we came across this little girl.
I think she was scared stiff, she stood in that same spot for about 20 minutes. I watched her and tried to play with her,
she cried a bit then stopped but started up again later.
We wondered if maybe she hadn't ever seen a white person before.


Thursday - 9 August 2012


On the way to discipleship groups we found these kids at a daycare in the squatter camp.
We had to drop some things off for them and we stopped to play for a few minutes.

 
Crossing the bridge, it was made of wood and tin and a bit scary to cross.

Thursday we had a short morning of ministry before lunch and disicpleship groups.

Denis (translator) reading from his Bible in discipleship group.

Discipleship groups are so cool because through ministry in Kya Sands there are people who have believed on Jesus.

So the interns and translators go in and do discipleship groups. When we were there they were going through the book of Acts. This particular day whatever was said was translated in three different languages.

This was such a neat experience to see the interest and passion for Gods word. 

The discipleship groups meet outside or in a shack or an open space. 

The space we were here was an open shack "porch"we used buckets or cement blocks to sit on, really whatever we could find. 

As I think about this now these discipleship groups remind of what the church is suppose to be. 

I am currently reading the book "Radical" by David Platt and in the book it talks about churches, how we "have" so many things that we "need" for church.

Here, in these groups they only need the Bible, I am sure even if there were no translators God would make a way for everyone to understand.

After a morning of ministry and afternoon discipleship groups we walked back, freshened up and headed to Moyo in downtown Johanesburg.

All the girls.

The guys.

Joanna and I at Moyo after getting our faces painted.

The whole group.

the Bethany's

Moyo is an authentic African restaurant, but its very ritzy.

So beautifully designed and stylish. There was great music and good food, I had flamed fillet (steak).

So good!

______________

Post about Womens conference & kids camp as well as last day coming up!

Obedience

This morning I was reading in Titus and found the above list of things to be or do.

Be obedient.

do good.

slander no one.

be peaceable & considerate.

show true humility.

{true humility...not fake..act ike your humble}

What a list.

How was I obedient today?

Did I do all that was good?

Did I avoid slander?

How was I peaceable & considerate?

Did I show TRUE humility?

I don't ask myself these questions enough or at all.

My mind is always stuck on
"Plan for success, not failure"

of course that is a good thing to live by, but at the same time my mind is always focused on efficency & productivity & I tend to loose the relational side of things.

Overview of today,

I was kind of lazy,

didn't feel like doing a whole lot.

What did I do?

Went to the gym . came home & showered . dressed . some Bible reading . ate breakfast . made food for lunch & to take to work for dinner . watched TV/movie . "edited" . ate ice cream . went to work.

That really sums up most of my days, I really need to be more intentional about life.

Not just productive but humbly serving Jesus in what I do so at the end of the day

I can go to sleep knowing I did my best for the Lord.

to obey,

do good,

not slander,

be peaceable & considerate,

and be truly humble.

_________________

*Overheard tonight*

Lady: .....hose.....

You don't know what I meant, I could have been talking about panty hose, or a garden hose.

Lady 2: You weren't...

______

Lady 1: Ughhh I can't find it...

Lady 2: check your blankets

Lady 1: It's not there

Lady 2: Check them!

Lady 1: I'm not gonna check it's not there

Lady 2: You have like 15 blankets, check them.

Lady 1: I do  not have that many...

Lady 2: yes you do... check it.

Lady 1: ughh....fine.

*(apparently finds it)

Thank you sweetie...

Lady 2: you're welcome

_______

Lady 1: she a low down heffa.

______

Set an example

what a challenge...
as a follower of Jesus Christ I am to set an example in my speech...
how many million times a day do I fail at this without realizing.
When I am driving & someone is driving like it's Wednesday (crazy driver day...apparently)
my speech is not setting an example.
I am to set an example in my life...
what I do, where I go, who I am, what I spend time doing.
I am to set an example in love... how I treat others.
Faith & purity... faith another hard one, such struggle!

Holy spirit, pour richly over my life.

May I honor You & set an example in speech, life, love, faith & purity.