struggles, ain't no body got time for that...

self consciousness.
judgement.
insecurity.
guilt.

I consistently feel these upon my soul.
like arrows being shot at me.
Yesterday afternoon, I went out with some friends for Autumn photo capturing.
However, unlike most other times I was not the picture taker (for the most part)
I was the subject {we were all suppose to get all dolled up but not all of us did}
When I am behind the camera I have confidence, I am not the very best there ever was..
but I know what I am doing.
I can't pose myself, because I can't see myself to pose myself.
....honestly getting my photo taking is possibly the. most. awkward. thing for me....ever.

Insecurity is something I have always struggled with.
How I look is important to me,
sometimes I can be pretty vain & conceited about how I look.
Which doesn't seem to go with the insecurity & self-conscious view of myself.
Pride  is the root of all sin, so in feeling this way I am sinning.
I was asking Jesus yesterday to "hammar" this awful self image to the ground
(no, I didn't spell that wrong, if you don't think it's funny it is because  you don't know my last name...)

When I feel like this, many times the answer I get from others is this...
"you have to just see yourself how God see's you"
 uhh...ok awesome. but HOW?!?!?!?!?!??
I don't know if this is just me but answers like that are as useful to me as American money in Paris.
{I can say that because I've been there & experienced it.}
A constant struggle in my faith is having it.
Taking the head knowledge to heart knowledge.
I believe the Bible is the inspired, true, Word of God.
I know it. I won't deny it,
feeling it & living it is where my problem comes in.
 [i'm getting down to the nitty-gritty now... lol]

this is my daily struggle.
believing God is for real @ work in my life & has a plan.
I know it, but I don't always believe it.
AHHHHHHHHH!
I'm praying for a hunger to overtake me. I'm praying that I won't be blinded but that my heart & eyes would be open to see the good & the ways God is moving.

_______________________

rain. rain. rain. all day, it is the cause for canceled photo sessions. One today & one tomorrow.
it was a good day. I completed photos for a client! {2 more to go as of now}
I had NO. zero plans today after the photo shoot was rescheduled. drank a lot of coffee &
for once I didn't spill coffee. however, today I did not go to the gym. but instead got dressed, rather cute to go to Best Buy & Family Video. I think I had intentions of going elsewhere but decided if I were to go elsewhere (namely Target) I would spend $$ on the non-important.
so after returning home with several movies. I started editing & watching movies & drinking coffee.

good stuff. I'm thankful for today, a day to catch up & relax.


*this post seems incomplete & wierd, I apologize, I feel that is all though.
(coming soon...thoughts well written on this)

My weekend & the one about diet.

Over the weekend, I went to Flint to visit my friend. Basically I took some photos.

We watched movies & ate some junk food.

Lately I have been trying harder (then normal) to eat healthier,

I was feeling a bit guilty for chowing down on some junk food.

The chips (whole-grain) & cheese. Oreos & peanut butter. Sparkling grape juice. pretzel M&Ms.

Not too bad, but I could feel the breakouts coming. ewwww

Then I realized later.... I wasn't pigging out & nothing was wrong. Eating those things does not happen often and for this weekend away it was ok to have a bit of junk food.

So there... I still feel a tad guilty but I will get over it and do what I normally do and eat healthy.

On that note I have made a decision in the last week that I am no longer eating fried food (except for the occasional sushi that is fried). It's not a commen thing for me to eat a lot of fried food but I decided that if I decide not to I won't do it when the opportunity comes.

My "diet" is not yet figured out. I don't consume a lot of meat, I don't think I have even had meet since last Thursday; but I am not a vegetarian {I like sausage/bacon & chicken too much to do that}

Also veggies are hard to get into my diet but I am trying more and more; like adding spinach to my smoothies and cooking broccoli with pasta. Fruit...eat it everyday. Dairy....yup everyday.

I'm still figuring this food thing out... it'll happen.

_______________

While visiting my friend I also went to her church, I adore that church.

It's small but relevant.

Each time I have attended I am left challenged and convicted.

This church doesn't have a music ministry,

just straight up preaching and communion.

LOVE. IT!

On Sunday the sermon was about 1 Corinthians 10:23-11:1

(ESV) Do All to the Glory of God

²³  “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. ²⁴  Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. ²⁵  Eat whatever is sold in the meat market without raising any question on the ground of conscience. ²⁶ For “the earth is the Lord's, and the fullness thereof.” ²⁷ If one of the unbelievers invites you to dinner and you are disposed to go, eat whatever is set before you without raising any question on the ground of conscience. ²⁸ But if someone says to you, “This has been offered in sacrifice,” then do not eat it, for the sake of the one who informed you, and for the sake of conscience— ²⁹ I do not mean your conscience, but his. For why should my liberty be determined by someone else's conscience? ³⁰ If I partake with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of that for which I give thanks?

³¹ So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. ³²  Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, ³³ just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.

11  Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.

So many things struck me in this sermon. I had my Greek New Testament as well as my ESV Bible. Here are some of my notes: V.23-There are certain things that some consider wrong, but really they aren't necessarily wrong, they are just not useful (i.e. going to entertain guests, your child dumps out legos all over to play, not wrong, but it's not useful at the moment for what is going to happen).

What is my focus on?

How am I limited?

Am I using my time wisely?

Is what I do useful?

Am I seeking to be loved by people and to please people?

Because of my freedom in Christ I am free to partake or obstain, depending on the uesfulness or the hinderence it is to those around me. (This doesn't be use drugs or behave however I please)

Is what I do bringing me and others closer to the feet of Jesus?

Instead of trying so hard to please people, lay it all down at Jesus feet and please Him.

The people will never be satisfied, be satisfied in Jesus.

Am I living unhappy? Quit finding fault in life, quit finding reasons to be unhappy. Stuff happens, life happens. God uses both to bring Him glory. It is in my limitations that I must depend on the Lord for strength and courage.

Maturity and true freedom is this.... when one proceeds through life handling limitations with submission to God, grace and humility.

Be well trained. Wild and free isn't useful, die to selfishness. Fully rejoice in your freedom in Christ.

Am I overly concerned about exterior? (yes)

Walk Wise, Be Wise.

Focus on Jesus.

LAY.IT.ALL.DOWN.



Some things to think about.

Jesus, help me to be useful in the things I do.

May the words of my mouth & the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight.

My my hearts desire be to be satisfied in You and to please You!

May I walk wise and be wise.

God I need Your help,

I need wisdom every day.

May I humbly come to You each day and ask for Your favor,

for strength, for me to die to myself.

Give me a greater heart for You Jesus!