On the first day of December...

 

On this first day of December I face the oncoming Christmas season, I must be honest & say that this year, things feel different. My outlook has changed & I feel as though I see the lack of purpose & value in so many things more clearly now. (which is about the only thing I see clearly these days) The Ecclesiastes viewpoint seems to be stuck in my head {everything is meaningless} I have been going through a very real struggle, I believe I've been at war within myself, as well as battling a spiritual, emotional & mental war.

Thanksgiving just passed & I went through it without being very thankful or grateful. As I sat with my immediate family for our Thanksgiving lunch, we said what we were thankful for. I was dreading this, I didn't feel very thankful & I haven't been too happy about much in my life lately.

When my turn came I said "I'm thankful that I was able to go to Africa", which is totally true. That trip changed everything & I am still figuring out ways how I've changed.

Yet I seem to be consistently unhappy, discontent, ungrateful, selfish, angry, doubtful, fearful & the list goes on & on.

My very center has been shaken & I feel so twisted. One night this last week I was having a conversation with my dad. Earlier in the week I had a very frustrating, emotional day & took it out a bit on him. He asked if I wanted to talk about anything but I said no at that moment because the tears were ready to fall & I hate.hate.hate crying in front of anyone.

So we had our conversation, he just listened as I talked & talked.  None of his responses were particularly profound but it was nice to talk out what I was feeling.

 

I've made some realizations, or rather God has revealed things to me....??? I don't really know, it's hard to tell these days.

I am fighting myself, my side of organization, details, structure & lists are at war against my artsy, creative, go with the flow, gray area self.  I am utterly confused about why God made me as He did because I am being tortured.

 It doesn't make sense to me, these two sides seem so opposite so how can they exist so strongly in one person. God has a plan. says a not so confident whisper inside me that I want to believe.

 So badly I want to be free of this weight. I dream of freedom & contentment. Oh Jesus let it be soon!

May I be obedient, I don't just want a casual relationship with Christ or routine religion.

Things have gotten dull. Monotony has set it. I am getting antsy for something more. I see the lack of purpose & meaning in things, yet I can't seem to pull away from some of it. God seems to be tugging on my heart in this area....

 

 

 

The whys & the inbetween

 God works in subtle obvious ways.
This may sound like an oxymoron,
but alas it is not...

I have been struggling greatly in my spiritual walk,
I've felt as though I have flat lined. I know the Bible is the truth & everything in it is true & right.
Yet, lately I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier.
That was something I realized this morning before getting up, as I was laying in my bed.

I've noticed messages being repeated,
sermons or Bible studies all with common themes.
One week it's about the working of the Holy Spirit,
another week it's finding your purpose, another week it's letting go & accepting God's grace. This morning I was thinking about adventure...about how during the summer I was all about adventure & whatever will be will be. I long for adventure now, but I feel so weighed down by responsibilities & financial strain, not that those things weren't present during the summer because they were but I feel more worrisome now. I'm consumed with the "why" of things, knowing "why" in some circumstances is important but I realized knowing or figuring out the "why" isn't always necessary. If I strive for that, I'll never be satisfied because there will always be another "why" & I'll go nuts!
(Ooh I just looked up & saw all these "whys" & thinking man I'm like a 2yr old...)

My desire to know "why" is backed by fear, my fear of letting go. My mind & heart tell me that if I let go & surrender I'll be stuck doing the same thing over & over again. I'll just constantly be disappointed. I then  took that thought a little further & made the realization of.. I haven't surrendered, nor have I let go & I feel like I walk in constant guilt, fear, loneliness & disappointment, always feeling like I am stuck. (That is from not letting go & surrendering) So what are the chances that, if I let go & truly surrendered, I wouldn't be stuck & disappointed? Would I have freedom? Would I have peace? Would I see through the eyes of Jesus?
{On another ironic note, the last page I've written on in my journal, I wrote the lyrics "give my Your eyes so I can see what I keep missing, give me Your heart for the brokenhearted..." by Brandon Heath...my main man} Maybe, just maybe...now for the givin it up. Try it!...ooh gurl it's about to get real.

Apparently I did a lot of thinking today, because I was also pondering this question...
Why do you believe what you believe? My first answer was "I don't know" followed by "well no other belief or religion could spread so far & have such a great effect, in such a massive way, to such a massive amount of people if it were false. So it has to be true. No other god has had that effect on the world. If it is of men it would have failed, there would be so many inconsistencies but if it is/was of God it can't be stopped."  For me to have this debate within me might seem silly or childish, but believe me things have been real. I've been feeling "it"; discontentment, frustration, longing, failure, doubt, unbelief, cynicism, judgement, guilt, anger, loneliness, selfishness & pride.
Like I said earlier, I woke up this morning thinking.. "I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier."  Over & over I hear messages of hope & Christs love, but those messages don't seem to penetrate to the heart. I read some verses in Ephesians this morning that were good & applicable to my current pondering.
Ephesians 5:4 "Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."  I realized I can be so negative, when someone says "life is good!" I immediately think "uh are you kidding me?" which is stupid because honestly, I am blessed, God is good to me but because of my selfishness & pride I refuse to see the good. I thought I was that girl who was an optimist; you know, happy, pleasant, stable, balanced....{uh no dude, apparently I changed my mind & the cup is half gone. The half that is gone was the good stuff all that remains are tears...oh mother of pearl, I cry at the drop of a hat... it's embarrassing. I swear I'm not PMSing nor am I pregnant! for real though...}
The lies Satan feeds me are filthy, foolish & it effects me to have such a negative outlook. In the same chapter of Ephesians verses 6-16 say "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 
Therefore do not become partners with them, for at one time you were in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light (for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true) and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 
For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 
for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 
Awake, O sleeper, 
and arise from the dead 
and Christ will shine on you.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise. 
Making the best use of the time for the days are evil."

I have been so deceived by Satan's empty words, these lies that I believe need to be exposed. I need to live & walk in goodness & honesty. Oh how I want to walk in a wise way, in a way of peace & truth.
God has been bringing up these messages in subtle ways but I've noticed.

Oh Jesus, I want to be free!

Help me to let go, 

S U R R E N D E R,

& rest in the joy,

F R E E D O M 

& P E A C E

of Your presence.

Open my eyes to see how 

You see me, 

get rid of my 

discontentment, frustration, 

 failure, doubt, unbelief, 

cynicism, judgement, guilt, 

anger, loneliness, selfishness,

fear & pride.

Show me how to walk wise,

in goodness & honesty.

Help me to 

W A K E   U P!

Courage

^{day #4.2}

¹⁵Now if you are ready when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, & every kind of music, to fall down & worship the image that I have made, well & good. But if you do not worship, you shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?"

¹⁶Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego answered & said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. ¹⁷If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, & he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. ¹⁸But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

-Daniel 3:15-18

Oh to have this kind of courage & faith.

Daniel & the other guys had such faith in their God even when their future was uncertain. The future for them was of uncertainty not "oh dear what will I do when I grow up" or "goodness I don't know what I will do next summer", their uncertainty was in the realm of whether they would live or die. What if we all lived that way, like each decision would affect our lives.

Each decision we make does affect our lives & those around us.

I want to be more purposeful with what I do each day.

God reveal to me how I can do this, open my eyes to see how I can further Your kingdom & bring You glory. You have a purpose for me, may I not waste the time You have given me.

Psalm 57:2-I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.

Psalm 138:8 -The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.