My weekend & the one about diet.

Over the weekend, I went to Flint to visit my friend. Basically I took some photos.

We watched movies & ate some junk food.

Lately I have been trying harder (then normal) to eat healthier,

I was feeling a bit guilty for chowing down on some junk food.

The chips (whole-grain) & cheese. Oreos & peanut butter. Sparkling grape juice. pretzel M&Ms.

Not too bad, but I could feel the breakouts coming. ewwww

Then I realized later.... I wasn't pigging out & nothing was wrong. Eating those things does not happen often and for this weekend away it was ok to have a bit of junk food.

So there... I still feel a tad guilty but I will get over it and do what I normally do and eat healthy.

On that note I have made a decision in the last week that I am no longer eating fried food (except for the occasional sushi that is fried). It's not a commen thing for me to eat a lot of fried food but I decided that if I decide not to I won't do it when the opportunity comes.

My "diet" is not yet figured out. I don't consume a lot of meat, I don't think I have even had meet since last Thursday; but I am not a vegetarian {I like sausage/bacon & chicken too much to do that}

Also veggies are hard to get into my diet but I am trying more and more; like adding spinach to my smoothies and cooking broccoli with pasta. Fruit...eat it everyday. Dairy....yup everyday.

I'm still figuring this food thing out... it'll happen.

_______________

While visiting my friend I also went to her church, I adore that church.

It's small but relevant.

Each time I have attended I am left challenged and convicted.

This church doesn't have a music ministry,

just straight up preaching and communion.

LOVE. IT!

On Sunday the sermon was about 1 Corinthians 10:23-11:1

(ESV) Do All to the Glory of God

²³  “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. ²⁴  Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. ²⁵  Eat whatever is sold in the meat market without raising any question on the ground of conscience. ²⁶ For “the earth is the Lord's, and the fullness thereof.” ²⁷ If one of the unbelievers invites you to dinner and you are disposed to go, eat whatever is set before you without raising any question on the ground of conscience. ²⁸ But if someone says to you, “This has been offered in sacrifice,” then do not eat it, for the sake of the one who informed you, and for the sake of conscience— ²⁹ I do not mean your conscience, but his. For why should my liberty be determined by someone else's conscience? ³⁰ If I partake with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of that for which I give thanks?

³¹ So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. ³²  Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, ³³ just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.

11  Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.

So many things struck me in this sermon. I had my Greek New Testament as well as my ESV Bible. Here are some of my notes: V.23-There are certain things that some consider wrong, but really they aren't necessarily wrong, they are just not useful (i.e. going to entertain guests, your child dumps out legos all over to play, not wrong, but it's not useful at the moment for what is going to happen).

What is my focus on?

How am I limited?

Am I using my time wisely?

Is what I do useful?

Am I seeking to be loved by people and to please people?

Because of my freedom in Christ I am free to partake or obstain, depending on the uesfulness or the hinderence it is to those around me. (This doesn't be use drugs or behave however I please)

Is what I do bringing me and others closer to the feet of Jesus?

Instead of trying so hard to please people, lay it all down at Jesus feet and please Him.

The people will never be satisfied, be satisfied in Jesus.

Am I living unhappy? Quit finding fault in life, quit finding reasons to be unhappy. Stuff happens, life happens. God uses both to bring Him glory. It is in my limitations that I must depend on the Lord for strength and courage.

Maturity and true freedom is this.... when one proceeds through life handling limitations with submission to God, grace and humility.

Be well trained. Wild and free isn't useful, die to selfishness. Fully rejoice in your freedom in Christ.

Am I overly concerned about exterior? (yes)

Walk Wise, Be Wise.

Focus on Jesus.

LAY.IT.ALL.DOWN.



Some things to think about.

Jesus, help me to be useful in the things I do.

May the words of my mouth & the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight.

My my hearts desire be to be satisfied in You and to please You!

May I walk wise and be wise.

God I need Your help,

I need wisdom every day.

May I humbly come to You each day and ask for Your favor,

for strength, for me to die to myself.

Give me a greater heart for You Jesus!

Praise Him.

I work at a women and childrens homeless shelter, each evening there is a mandetory chapel service. Last night we watched "Courageous", how inspiring and convicting that movie is! I was so uplifted by its message am so thankful for people who are brave enough to set out and make movies with such powerful conviction. Today as I was editing I sat down and watched "Facing The Giants"...ooh man I was crying. I love the part where the main charecter goes into the woods and prays. His prayer goes a little like this ...

"Lord Jesus would you help me,

I need you.

Lord I feel like there are giants of fear and failure just staring down at me waiting to crush me and i don't know how to beat them.

Lord I'm tired of being afraid.

Lord if you want me to do something else show me.

If You want me to stay, so be it.

If You want me to go, so be it.

But you're my God.

You're on the throne.

You can have my hopes and my dreams.

Lord give me something show me something." 

That is my prayer. I want to love Jesus even when my way doesn't happen.

I want to praise Him in the wins,

and praise Him in the losses.

Father God, until the You move me, may I bloom where I are planted.

Help me to give You my very best, my very best.

No quiting until I've got nothing left.

¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s

Psalm 103:1-5

the truth

the truth is....
i don't feel peaceful
i feel broken, but not in a "good broken" way.
i am afraid.
i am so freaked out by how emotional i have been lately.
searching will never be over, i fear the answer will never be found.
i am weak.

My moral compass points north, no matter what. I am strong willed, I like details & facts. There has to be a plan...it is my driving force. Faith is so hard for me, not doubting is impossible. I know what I know is truth, applying it & feeling so like such a distant idea. I long for things so much it hurts. This unrest & discontentment rears it's ugly head & you would think all hell broke loose. I hate myself when emotions gethe best of me{quick to listen, slow to speak & slow to become angry}. I can cry at the drop of a hat [NO it's not PMS, NO I am not pregnant] I feel like I am fighting for my life here in an emotion & seemingly spiritual battle. Explaining what is going on inside my heart & head is so diffilcult..honestly this whole "thing" probably doesn't need to be explained, but because of me I feel I have to. Satan is trying his best to bring me down & it has worked, but "For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day."

How sweet to know there is forgiveness for all  of my ugliness.
This attitude is awful, a scheme of satan.. in 2 Corinthians 2:10b-11 it says "I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." I have certainly seemed {unaware}.

In moments such as this I want answers, no one can seem to understand enough about where I am coming from or how I see things or what I am feeling. I am screming for Jesus to hear me, for some sort of sign to know He is there {even though I know He is always there} I desperately want to feel it. Why are feelings so important?

Oh sweet Jesus.... I know you are breaking me. Give me a heart to seek You diligently. Give me the strength to obey You. Open my eyes to see You & how You are working. Open my ears to hear You.

Help me to love You with everything. I want to be consumed by You, desperate for You. Empty me Jesus, empty me of all things me & fill me with Your Spirit. Give me Your peace that passes all understanding.

May I be still & rest in You.

Honestly

I am about to break it down, no not dance {my only move is the sprinkler however that is for another day}.
A couple of days ago I posted about an upcoming fast that I am taking part in with my Bible study girls.  I know Biblical fasting is obstaining from food and devoting that time to prayer and seeking God intently.  I wanted to fast from something and do it right but I couldn't think of something that seemed just right.  With every idea that I had cam many excuses why it wouldn't work.  I think a lot of my problem has been discontentment.
 The last few days have been especially hard. Part of my goal for this year is to live with contentment in Jesus Christ. I have really sucked hard core at this the last few weeks. To be honest...

I am NOT content.

I am miserable.

I detest the season I am currently in.

I am angry.

I am irritable,

unhappy,

jealous.

I really believe that God is trying to get my attention, in the area of contentment and jealousy.  I keep hearing things that are happening to other people and it kills me inside because I want what they have. I want that good life, those magical moments...but it doesn't happen. I really don't know how to let go.  For awhile I think it's going well but really it's just a trick, momentary lapse of "control" and it's peaceful so I think I am content. AHHH Oh Jesus help me!

This photo perfectly describes what I feel.

As far as I can see it's just ocean, other then what I am standing on and what is behind me.

I think eventually there is something there maybe. 

I can't get there easily or quickly,

it will take forever.

Alone it is hopeless.

I need to be carried.

I need direction, otherwise I am heading backwards. 

The possibilities are beautiful,

exciting and scary.

No way am I stepping off into this abyss of unknown ahead of me,

not without some help,

guidance,

direction.

If I do....

I.will.sink.

It is foggy, 

I can't see whats ahead,

well after so far.

I am mad,

because I want to be there,

I want to go,

I want to make that step.

But it is like I am glued to where I am,

even though my soul is screaming to go,

dying,

longing to move...

but I can't.

I need a push....

Oh contentment where are you?

Peace, be in my soul.

Awaken me...

to rejoice always,

pray continually 

& give thanks in all circumstances!

Jesus be my guide, 

hold me close.

Open my eyes,

my heart,

my mind.

I want to seek You intently.

Ringing in the New Year

day #33

So here is a bit of a sneak peak of what I did on New Years Eve...

One of my good friends got married & I had the honor of being her photographer! For as long as I have known Kim, she has always been camera shy. I could hardly ever catch a good photo of her. However, last night I was able to take many photos of her looking so glam! I can't wait to finish all the others!

New Years was pretty good, the wedding was very nice & I even had the chance to break it down on the dance floor....*caugh* I mean spaz on the dance floor. Regardless it was a fun event, followed by a short party at another friends house. Minor incidents & all....As I was walking up to my friends door someone back into my car...my new car :(Needless to say, I was uhhh upset but my car is ok & the guy was no where near a jerk. So I am thankful that I didn't hit someone, that there wasn't damage other then scratches & a small hole in the front bumper! Praise the Lord! The small party was fun, rang in the new year with some very dear friends! *New Years Goals are coming, I have lists in different places, but I will gather my thoughts & document them!

May your new year be filled with lessons & blessings from God. Draw near to Him, rejoice, pray & give thanks!

PRAYER REQUEST

6 yr old Lacey, is in the hospital. They have found a mass in her back that they think is cancer. The little girls grandparents/cousins/aunt/uncle go to my church. The tumor they found is four to five inches in size and more tests are being done to see exactly what procedure needs to be performed.
Lacey has stage 4 cancer that is in her bones too. She is in a lot of pain and can't move her legs today. they are doing an MRI and sending her to ICU. They may start radiation agressively too. They are not hopeful. Pray for her family to be bathed in God's peace and that they can make Lacey more comfortable. Thank you all for your prayers and support.

Please pray for this family, Laceys grandparents/cousins/aunt/uncle go to my church. I have had this girl in VBS and done photos for her family. Thank you!

the church.

day #6

Sunday, I don't really know what to say about today.

It was tiring, fun at moments.

Not very restful.

Church was ok.

I hate that church was just "ok"...

In no way is this a bash against my church, church family or Pastor.

My church (family) is friendly & welcoming...

Yet I go week after week because...

I have friends there &

It's expected of me,

I am a little afraid of leaving because...

I don't want others to think ill of me

& I don't where else I would go to church.

I can't leave without really trying to change things.

Part of my problem might be a heart issue.

Sometimes when I leave my church I don't know why I went,

I hate that. I desire so much to be feed way more then what I am,

but I don't know where to find that spiritual food.

My church is traditional in many ways.

It has many good, talented people;

but yet it seems lacking in passion & vision.

I would love to see a revival spark.

My idea of a good church would be:

-A church that has a mission, as a body unified through Christ they are headed towards a goal that is Biblical, they know their mission & each part of the Body (the church) does their part.

-The leadership is unified, a team that is in tune & walking faithfully with the Lord. They are strong leaders who are passionate about the mission of the church but more importantly, the work for the Kingdom. They show humility, wisdom & discernment through teaching & discipleship to develop holistic, spiritual growth.

-The body of Christ is warm & welcoming, there is fellowship among the believers. They are there for each other to help each other out so no one is in need. They are there to support, edify, encourage, love, serve, disciple, teach & pray for one another.

- Meaningful & inspirational worship that centers on God & develops community. Worship that draws the body of believers to an atmosphere of expectancy & anticipation that God is present.

-The church is growing, there is fruit for the labor & actions of the body of believers. Each believer uses their gifts to meet the needs of those in the church body & also in the community.

(*ideas were found at: http://www.bobyoungresources.com/articles/characteristics-effective-church.pdf)

I don't know if a church like this exists or if I included everything I would want to see. I just think that we as the body of Christ tend to take "church" & make it something that we just "do". It becomes about customs & traditions rather than our relationship with Christ.

We get so excited about what new worship song the praise team will play rather than preparing ourselves to be drawn to the feet of our Savior. We worry about social standing & popularity, who can out do whom. I think it is time for the church to step back, take a look at their body & see if each part is doing the job it was made for.

"Oh God, move in this place. Work in my heart, open my eyes to the things I don't see. Show me how to love like you have loved me. Let the church arise to the calling that You have placed on us as followers of You. I want to go deeper! Take me down off the surface & help me to dive deeper into my relationship with You. I want to know You better. I want every moment of my life to bring you glory.

God, I give you my thoughts.

God, I give you my actions.

God, I give you my future & I trust that You know best.

That You have a plan for me that was carefully crafted for me.

Help to give each part of every day to You for Your work to be done.

May I be a light to someone each day.

Give me the desire to seek renewal & revival.

Give me a new heart for Your Word, Your work & Your people.

Change my heart attitude, may I do everything to please You & bring you glory.

Let the foundation of my life be made strong through You.

Be my cornerstone & my strength."

*1 Corinthians 3:10-15/