This is my where I've been...

Hello Friends,

I'm attempting to get back into a more steady stream of posts.

Life has been a overwhelming,

I feel as though I slept through the entire month of March.

Anyways, things have happened.....

I definetely have felt God's slow & steady working in my life,

which is refreshing & so long awaited.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" - 1 Peter 5:10

 

These verses have been a comfort to me the past few months.

I had been going through some personal issues of pride, discontentment, doubt, unbelief & selfishness.

I felt as though I were being attacked at every turn,

for months I was in a very low point,

darkness & hopelessness flooded my soul.

Thoughts that had never crossed my mind had become so prevelant.

My mind, heart & soul fought against each other & fought against my  charecteristics & personalities.

One Saturday evening, my friends &

I went to a new church. While songs were being sung & worship was progressing. I looked to the screne & saw the above verse.

As I read those words, tears started rolling.

{Suffering, that was exactly what I had been feeling. Physical suffering, not so much. However I was at war within myself emotionally & mentally,

I was straight up believing the lies satan was drenching me with.

Crying was an hourly thing...

Some of this was due in part to that fact that my younger sister was leaving  to be in Africa for six months. She & I have always been really close & she had been there when this junk was going on. She understsood it somewhat & was there to give me a "Bible smackdown" when needed.

and then she left. I was alone. no one else got it like she did. Life because a theme of "holding in the tears of discontentment, anger, hopelessness in"}

slowly, very slowly the darkness grew smaller & smaller;

little situations happened. Providential conversations happened...

Over time I kept living, sometimes praying other times yelling at God out of confusion & anger.

suddenly I realized "I'm not who I was. I don't feel how I did."

The last few months have been some of the most diffilcult of my life,

my friends & sister prayed for me, kept telling me it wouldn't last forever.

I didn't believe them, all I wanted was a way out.

My mind would wander to dark places, thoughts that had never crossed my mind. I remember thinking "why bother having faith, nothing ever happens. God does not hear me. He does not care. I live in constent disappointment.I constently cry out & hear, feel or see no answer." I remember feeling so uncomfortable my friends or family would talke about "God working in their life" or when spiritual topics would arise. I felt like rolling my eyes & saying "whatever".

I can't say there was a defining moment in my life when things turned around but now I stand writing this with a totally different mindset.

I stand with a hope for what is to come, I'm a work in progres...

absence

Apparently I was on a bit of an absence, sorry about that.

Things have been crazy around here.

this week has been really busy,

I have felt very stressed out.

there are a lot of things on my plate

& I feel like I am making no progress whatsoever.

From last Monday to this Tuesday, my only day off was Thursday.

The majority of that day was spent babysitting my "nephew",

which was great & a tad frustrating at the same time.

Currently I am working on so many things:

edits for two senior shoots,

student notes for a class I am teaching in June,

South Africa fundraiser dinner things

(which include a photo sale/auction),

music & lyrics slides for a training in June,

mix in regular work in there plus now I will be making a

daycare video for a pre-K graduation

(for the daycare that I use to work for)

I am trying to balance all my "jobs & responsibilities"

then when you add emotions & feelings in there I just go crazy!

I feel like I am loosing myself,

honestly those of you who balance being

a wife/mom, a job, home responsibilities, church involvement are awesome!

I am really thankful that I am not there yet,

even though so many days I just wish I were.

God is still working on me,

I always have to remind myself that

I will never be perfect.

My perfect or ideal fails in comparision to Gods plan for me.

His plan can't fit in a box,

He can't fit in a box.

This week has been a struggle,

my mind has been set on something

& I am having trouble figuring out if I am dwelling or just thinking.

Then if my thinking is hurtful to me or not.

I sort of suck at any sort of relationship,

my insight is off, I don't catch certain things

There are some lines & boundries that I am unsure of or don't go anywhere near,

or do because I am a space case.

Oh, Lord Jesus help me!

I am really praying for peace & discernment.

My brain & heart get mixed up.

Pray for me this week, it will be busy!

Lots of editing & work to be done.

Also my sister & I are planning to go to South Africa in July/August.

Next Sunday we are having a findraiser dinner,

I am also doing a photo sale/auction, I have never done this before & I am a little nervous.

Please, please pray for her & I as we get ready for this.

Pray for God to fulfillthe financial needs we have.

We are so excited to go to South Africa to minister,

we know that God is the great provider,

of everything, so please pray with us & for us this week!

Say what?

Thursday I was doing a senior session, it's amazing how much advice people give you while shooting, almost like they look at you a& before speaking to you they say "Man I just have to tell them to pose like this & do that, it would make it" (they then visualize it and think "NAILED IT") then this stranger opens thier mouth to give you their oh so very "helpful" advice.{I apologize for this bluntness}
[BTW clients with pose ideas or friends with ideas who aren't over enthusiastic are fine, in fact I welcome that]
I understad the "strangers" are trying to be helpful & in a way it's sweet...however when I am on the job I tend to be focused on the job, I am professional in how I do things, so yes I appear professional because I am professional, thank you for seeing that! Some of this may be pride, I get that attitude of "yeah I know I'm good" {I do apologize...} in all honesty though I give praise to Jesus because He gave me a talent & skill that I love. I am always amazed at what He allows me to do with it. Of course there is a lot I wish I could do & dream of doing but if it's in His will it will be in His time.

So, that being said...I know what I'm doing, I am always learning, if I need help I ask for it. I like learning new things especially from people whose work I admire.

Also, apparently I do not know what the govenor of my state looks like.

I was photographing twin boys, we were at the Michigan State Capitol building packing up and I see two guys walk by with things in their ears, like secret service.

The boys look at me all surprised and say "that was the govenor"

(yeah I had no idea, I didn't really even see the 3rd person)

I do know the govenors last name is Synder, I'm doing ok.

[FUTURE GOAL: Pay attention better to local politics & government]

While I was photographing on of the boys on the steps of the capitol a guy walked by and asked if we wanted him to take a photo of us together.

WHAT?!?!?

I said "oh, no thank you. He is getting his senior photos taken"

[FUTURE GOAL 2: Apparently I need to work on looking older too!]

*{& yes I am also that person who prefers to be left alone in a store to do my thing & not be approaced by sales associates. I am not bothered if I get asked once maybe even twice but I have learned to not go to Target between 9-11am because there are so many emplyees there & they all ask if they can help you. No thanks, I know Target like the back of my hand!}

pieces & chips

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

long sigh, I am feeling really stressed. 

Stare at this photo for a minute or two 

& breathe deeply....

Do you feel any better?

I think I might.

Today has been a day,

not horrible but not great.

My emotions are running high....

My mind has been everywhere lately,

I feel like this photo today,

I'm a wall,

throughout the day cracks & chips happen,

pieces fall & at the end I am not the same.

I hate it when people try to make me look foolish,

or use my weaknesses for their gain,

even in fun.

I already feel guilty a lot,

so when someone makes me feel more guilty

& like I can't measure up,

or possibly be as great as they are

my feelings are hurt.

I had hurt feelings today, 

people were rude.

Honestly, how can people be so rude?

I work at a homeless shelter for women & children,

we get no government funding, 

those who stay do not have to pay,

all we ask is that they follow our guidelines & rules.

Yet, most all seem to think they are entitled.

We already serve them,

but they want more.

When I encounter those people I just want to shout at them:

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE!

PLEASE or THANK YOU!

seriously....

Nothing we do there  is ever good enough.

I was the night shift manager tonight so I was seeing all the guests, 

checking them in,

answering questions & problems.

I like that position but I do not appreciate when people are rude,

especially when I am being nice & respectful to them.

Days like this make me want to cry...

I am a person too.

I have feelings,

& they were hurt today.

By co-workers, 

family,

acquaintances...

I have been thinking about how people who are close to me are leaving,

some in a month for the whole summer.

Some in several months for 6 months.

Some are leaving in a year,

Some just have plans they are going after.

They know what they want to do,

God has shown them...

How I wish that feeling was familiar.

I feel left out.

My biggest dream/hope/calling is something I have no control over,

it's not something I can just pursue or make happen.

Selfishness is not my desire with this.

God has given me talents, skills dreams, hopes for a reason.

Many of those I don't know how to use now.

I am thankful for what God has given me.

He is good.

He is faithful.

He is loving.

He is full of mercy.

He is full of grace.

He is the redeemer.

He is the truth.

These things I know.

but....

I am broken,

dull.

let down.

lifeless.

shattered.

Tonight I need Jesus....

a lot.

I need love.

hope.

forgiveness.

rest.

peace.

focus.

a voice.

words.

encouragement.

Jesus...

Its my {2nd} birthday!

March 31, 1992....twenty years ago.

My second birthday...I have been a part of Gods family for twenty years.

Twenty years, wow that seems so long. Even though I was very young when I accepted Jesus as my Savior I think I knew what  it meant.

In these twenty years I have had doubts, but never to the point that I would renounce my faith or deny what I believe. There have been many struggles and I am sure there will be many more to come.

I am sad to say that many of these last twenty years were not all used to glorify the Lord. 

For much of it I live in such a way that I was floating, I was a Christian and that covered it. But my heart wasn't in it not was Jesus my passion. My prayer for the years to come is this:

Contentment

day #7

Contentment is something that so many people search for, full, wordly contentment, I believe, never happens. One can not be truely content without a functional relationship with Jesus Christ. I saw "functional" because anyone can know Jesus, or even have a relationship with Christ, but when one has a functional relationship with Christ there is fruit. I struggle with contentment, because when I think of that concept I think "contentment is being in a perfect state of happiness with all areas of your life." I am not in a perfect state of happiness with all areas of my life, I want any things to change. I am thankful for all the things God has given to me, but to be honest God has given me these dreams & desires, strong desires that have just not happened. I try to live by Gods word & truth & seek Him in all areas of my life, but I am a sinner. A redeemed sinner, saved by grace. A part of me wonders what God is waiting for? Is He waiting for me to content until He moves in those areas? Then I feel like giving up because I know I'll never be content, well on my own I won't be. My heart wonders what is true, Biblical contentment, here is what I found...

• Contentment grows out of humility & trust in God. -Psalm 131:1, NIV. "My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.



• Contentment grows out of devotion to Christ & eternal values. -Matthew 6:24, NIV. "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."



• Coveting is a barrier to contentment. -Exodus 20:17, NIV. "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."



• Materialism is a barrier to contentment. -I Timothy 6:9, NIV. "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction."

Lord, give me a heart at rest in You. May I be content in who I am in You & where You have me. I want to be content yet not be stagnant. May my heart be one of humility, bowing down before You. May I overflow with trust in You & devotion to You. May coveteousness & materialism be far from me. Fill me with thanksgiving & worhsip. I desire to live a life sold out to You, walking in humility & contentment.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. -Psalm 23

What kind of fruit are my actions growing?

day #3

I woke up this morning to a blanket of white glitter covering everything.

Snow is so pretty it makes everything look different.

I need to see things differently.

I love how these look, so bright.

As I was taking these photos this morning my fingers were getting numb, usually as long as I am taking photos I don't "feel" the cold. This morning I just grabbed my boots, jacket & camera. Needless to say my fingers were numb. After awhile I went back inside to find warmer clothes rather then pj pants. All this to say that I think I have become numb to some things. My view or my life experiences do not seem to bring forth the outcome I wish.

My mind is so distracted by so many things that I have become numb to some things.

I want to be more compassionate.bold (for Jesus).humble.loving.kind.merciful, gracious.

Basically I need to be awakened to new life, I think I have been trying to wake myself up through different things, you know the whole "I got this...me,myself & I"

HELLO!! not.working.bethany.

I need direction.

desperately.

Oh God, fill me with your Holy Spirit. Give me boldness to love You & others more completely. I want to honor You in all I do. Give me the discipline & desire to seek You with a humble heart. Father refresh me. Give me a greater spirit of compassion, mercy, love & grace.

Open my eyes, to see how You see. Help me to pour into others & to seek what I can learn from Your people. Oh God, take what I know & pour it all over my heart. I believe it! That You are good, faithful, truth, peace, satisfaction, my rest, contentment, sovereign & Lord.

Take selfishness, greed, pride, anger, hatred, discontentment, deceit & get it far from me. That has no place here,

I.AM.YOURS!

I read this today...

¹⁷"And now, brothers, I know that you acted in ignorance, as did also your rulers. ¹⁸But what God foretold by the mouth of all the prophets, that his Christ would suffer, he thus fulfilled.¹⁹ Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, ²⁰that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you...Acts 3:17-20

I have been acting & living in ignorance.

Father, forgive me for my ways.

What kind of fruit are my actions growing? It has been rotten lately....

"....In your presence I belong, and without you I am lost. Come and change me, from the inside.In my weakness You are strong, by the power of the cross. Come and change me, from the inside. Who am I, and where am I going? What kind of fruit, Are my actions growing? Staring at the pages You are staring at the pages, Of my life. Is my passion just to know You? Am I living this life to show you? Staring at the pages...."(Pages by Leeland)

You are staring at the pages, Of my life

Tuesday... (#2)

day #2.5

*sigh"

I am so glad to be home. The day started out rainy & cold, the rain turned to snow.

There is now about 3-4" of snow on the ground & the white stuff is still coming down.

Winter is not my favorite, winter driving stresses.me.out.

I usually work until 11pm I left a bit early tonight & did not drive faster the 20mph the whole way home. By the time I got home I could have kissed the ground, I kid you not. I thought about that idea for a moment & decided a face full of snow was not what I desired.

So now I am situated, hot tea near by & fireside....

Ok, by "fireside" I mean candle {peppermint}, but still I am by the side of fire.

(Greek word order might be getting to me, I will have to post about that at some point)

So Tuesday, Greek class day!

For about two or so years I have found the Greek translation of the Bible incredibly fascinating.

I had talked with a friend of mine about taking Biblical Greek at the Christian College he goes to.

(The college is in my hometown)

I have been out of school for about 2 1/2 years, I had never really thought about going back.

The idea of taking the class was mostly just an idea. However, my schedule.job.life changed. All of a sudden I thought I would have all this free time, so why not take an 8am class two days a week, not to mention it is Biblical Greek.

(People always sound so impressed when I say I am taking Greek,

I tell them I am either adventurous or stupid)

I decided to audit this class, rather then to take it for credit to...

a)save money & b) learn

SOOOOOOO...

Greek was today.

Then I hang around with friends & go to chapel.

It is pretty snazzy because I crave the more modern worship setting

& that is what is normal.

My church has some but it is nice to have variety.

There are three different worship bands that rotate chapel each week.

My friend is the leader of one of the worship bands.

God has blessed him with great talents & abilities & humility

....it is refreshing.

*

I found some great deals at Target.. {WooHoo!}

wait, wait we must stop, you must know Target is a happy place for me,

honestly I walk in & I breathe a sigh of relaxation.

I found jeans for $15 a pair.

I also found a jacket for $10 {originally $40}

*

Between school/shopping/chapel & work I had a project of flower making.

I have seen this idea many different places.

Here is how I made it...

1. I cut a circle out of felt.

2. Traced the felt circle on to regular cloth

(layered so I could cut out many at a time)

3. Cut out the cloth circles.

4. Take the cloth circles fold in half, then quarters &

hot glue to the black felt circle.

I glued on quite a few cloth circles until I liked how it looked.

Probably 10-13 cloth circles to every felt square.

Pretty!

I am not yet certain what the purpose of these lovely flowers is

but tomorrow it may be determined.

*

A Biggby run was necessary today.

A cold day & long afternoon/evening ahead of me.

Yeah a {hot.grande.wild zebra.reduced calorie.no whipped} will do it.

Tonight I have been listening to Brooke Fraser, the song "Hymn" struck me tonight

Hymn

By Brooke Fraser

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sail to farthest seas

Would You find and firm and gather

Til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would You leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after

Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision

Til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee
Til I only dwell in Thee

Earlier this evening I was reading Psalm 19, verses 7-9 & 14 along with the above lyrics are my prayer tonight.

7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
⁸ The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
⁹ The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
and all of them are righteous.

¹⁴ May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 19:7-9,14