absence

Apparently I was on a bit of an absence, sorry about that.

Things have been crazy around here.

this week has been really busy,

I have felt very stressed out.

there are a lot of things on my plate

& I feel like I am making no progress whatsoever.

From last Monday to this Tuesday, my only day off was Thursday.

The majority of that day was spent babysitting my "nephew",

which was great & a tad frustrating at the same time.

Currently I am working on so many things:

edits for two senior shoots,

student notes for a class I am teaching in June,

South Africa fundraiser dinner things

(which include a photo sale/auction),

music & lyrics slides for a training in June,

mix in regular work in there plus now I will be making a

daycare video for a pre-K graduation

(for the daycare that I use to work for)

I am trying to balance all my "jobs & responsibilities"

then when you add emotions & feelings in there I just go crazy!

I feel like I am loosing myself,

honestly those of you who balance being

a wife/mom, a job, home responsibilities, church involvement are awesome!

I am really thankful that I am not there yet,

even though so many days I just wish I were.

God is still working on me,

I always have to remind myself that

I will never be perfect.

My perfect or ideal fails in comparision to Gods plan for me.

His plan can't fit in a box,

He can't fit in a box.

This week has been a struggle,

my mind has been set on something

& I am having trouble figuring out if I am dwelling or just thinking.

Then if my thinking is hurtful to me or not.

I sort of suck at any sort of relationship,

my insight is off, I don't catch certain things

There are some lines & boundries that I am unsure of or don't go anywhere near,

or do because I am a space case.

Oh, Lord Jesus help me!

I am really praying for peace & discernment.

My brain & heart get mixed up.

Pray for me this week, it will be busy!

Lots of editing & work to be done.

Also my sister & I are planning to go to South Africa in July/August.

Next Sunday we are having a findraiser dinner,

I am also doing a photo sale/auction, I have never done this before & I am a little nervous.

Please, please pray for her & I as we get ready for this.

Pray for God to fulfillthe financial needs we have.

We are so excited to go to South Africa to minister,

we know that God is the great provider,

of everything, so please pray with us & for us this week!

Obedience

This morning I was reading in Titus and found the above list of things to be or do.

Be obedient.

do good.

slander no one.

be peaceable & considerate.

show true humility.

{true humility...not fake..act ike your humble}

What a list.

How was I obedient today?

Did I do all that was good?

Did I avoid slander?

How was I peaceable & considerate?

Did I show TRUE humility?

I don't ask myself these questions enough or at all.

My mind is always stuck on
"Plan for success, not failure"

of course that is a good thing to live by, but at the same time my mind is always focused on efficency & productivity & I tend to loose the relational side of things.

Overview of today,

I was kind of lazy,

didn't feel like doing a whole lot.

What did I do?

Went to the gym . came home & showered . dressed . some Bible reading . ate breakfast . made food for lunch & to take to work for dinner . watched TV/movie . "edited" . ate ice cream . went to work.

That really sums up most of my days, I really need to be more intentional about life.

Not just productive but humbly serving Jesus in what I do so at the end of the day

I can go to sleep knowing I did my best for the Lord.

to obey,

do good,

not slander,

be peaceable & considerate,

and be truly humble.

_________________

*Overheard tonight*

Lady: .....hose.....

You don't know what I meant, I could have been talking about panty hose, or a garden hose.

Lady 2: You weren't...

______

Lady 1: Ughhh I can't find it...

Lady 2: check your blankets

Lady 1: It's not there

Lady 2: Check them!

Lady 1: I'm not gonna check it's not there

Lady 2: You have like 15 blankets, check them.

Lady 1: I do  not have that many...

Lady 2: yes you do... check it.

Lady 1: ughh....fine.

*(apparently finds it)

Thank you sweetie...

Lady 2: you're welcome

_______

Lady 1: she a low down heffa.

______

On my heart: Background

This past weekend I was able to visit a friend in Flint.

I can't tell you how nice it is to get away, even if away is only about an hour away.

This season of my life stresses me out,

mostly because I truthfully do not want to be in it.

I have a lot of freedom, in a way.

I am not totally tied down,

well other then having a job schedule to work around.

Yes, in a way that is nice.

But when one's deepest longing is to be tied down,

have roots of your own....

& it's not happening

that.is.stressful.

As I was walking around downtown Flint with my friend I felt at peace,

maybe it was due to expections for the rest of that day or the next.

Maybe my peace was due to doing what I wanted for then

& maybe (most likely) God had just given me that peace.

My almost two days in Flint had me thinking back to the month before when I had last visited.

I remembered my heart of discontentment,

I was bitter, angry...just a little bit.

That outer coating on my soul was so unhappy.

As I was driving, I knew my attitude had changed ever so slightly.

I felt more at peace then the last time.

A bit more content,

not totally ok or happy with all things in my life,

but more content.

My expectations from this weekend away weren't fully met,

but that is ok, things never work out that way.

Church Sunday morning was such a welcome change.
My friends church is quite different then mine,

& it pains me to say that I find my home church dull,

not totally lifeless,

but I don't feel like I fit there anymore.

Though my home church is very welcoming & friendly;

I feel my time there will soon be over.

I don't know when or where I will go after but I feel starved for more.

Starved for what I am not getting there.

My heart is in a state of unrest

{that is a story for another day, God is still working in me...}

As I was sitting in my friends church I felt so much peace,

the message spoke to my heart...

I was praying that God would use this message to help me make changes for good.

Once I came home I knew I would be challenged.

My mind was on the message, the thoughts of..

Am I just doing my duty?

Am I going above & beyond?

The gospel goes above & beyond what is simply needed.

Is sacrifical worship the state of my life?

Is it my true, deep down desire to know Jesus?

I know I am so plagued by guilt,

self-conciousness,

excuses,

planning,

&

pride.

I have so far to go,

so much to work on.

I forget so often that I don't have to do anything to recieve the love of Christ.

He died for me when I was still a sinner,

He loved me first.

Why do I think I have to do all these things to get the right

combination for things to just fall in place?

 

God is working on my heart,

teaching me about humility.

I was listening to Lecraes song "Background"

this morning & I listened to it several times,

aparently I was to work on humility today.

"I could play the background cuz I get in the way.

Let me fall back, not be the star

but stardust, leading to the Superstar."

So I guess that is my goal,

H.U.M.I.L.I.T.Y.

Jesus, may my heart be humbled.

Bowed down to You.

May I seek Your face,

create in me a broken & contrite spirit.

Oh let me run to You

& learn from You.

May I be gentle

& patient,

casting all anxiety,

consider others better then myself,

slander no one.

May I live peaceable

& be considerate,

self-controlled & alert.

Let me play the background....

& trust in You.