This is my where I've been...

Hello Friends,

I'm attempting to get back into a more steady stream of posts.

Life has been a overwhelming,

I feel as though I slept through the entire month of March.

Anyways, things have happened.....

I definetely have felt God's slow & steady working in my life,

which is refreshing & so long awaited.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" - 1 Peter 5:10

 

These verses have been a comfort to me the past few months.

I had been going through some personal issues of pride, discontentment, doubt, unbelief & selfishness.

I felt as though I were being attacked at every turn,

for months I was in a very low point,

darkness & hopelessness flooded my soul.

Thoughts that had never crossed my mind had become so prevelant.

My mind, heart & soul fought against each other & fought against my  charecteristics & personalities.

One Saturday evening, my friends &

I went to a new church. While songs were being sung & worship was progressing. I looked to the screne & saw the above verse.

As I read those words, tears started rolling.

{Suffering, that was exactly what I had been feeling. Physical suffering, not so much. However I was at war within myself emotionally & mentally,

I was straight up believing the lies satan was drenching me with.

Crying was an hourly thing...

Some of this was due in part to that fact that my younger sister was leaving  to be in Africa for six months. She & I have always been really close & she had been there when this junk was going on. She understsood it somewhat & was there to give me a "Bible smackdown" when needed.

and then she left. I was alone. no one else got it like she did. Life because a theme of "holding in the tears of discontentment, anger, hopelessness in"}

slowly, very slowly the darkness grew smaller & smaller;

little situations happened. Providential conversations happened...

Over time I kept living, sometimes praying other times yelling at God out of confusion & anger.

suddenly I realized "I'm not who I was. I don't feel how I did."

The last few months have been some of the most diffilcult of my life,

my friends & sister prayed for me, kept telling me it wouldn't last forever.

I didn't believe them, all I wanted was a way out.

My mind would wander to dark places, thoughts that had never crossed my mind. I remember thinking "why bother having faith, nothing ever happens. God does not hear me. He does not care. I live in constent disappointment.I constently cry out & hear, feel or see no answer." I remember feeling so uncomfortable my friends or family would talke about "God working in their life" or when spiritual topics would arise. I felt like rolling my eyes & saying "whatever".

I can't say there was a defining moment in my life when things turned around but now I stand writing this with a totally different mindset.

I stand with a hope for what is to come, I'm a work in progres...

The whys & the inbetween

 God works in subtle obvious ways.
This may sound like an oxymoron,
but alas it is not...

I have been struggling greatly in my spiritual walk,
I've felt as though I have flat lined. I know the Bible is the truth & everything in it is true & right.
Yet, lately I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier.
That was something I realized this morning before getting up, as I was laying in my bed.

I've noticed messages being repeated,
sermons or Bible studies all with common themes.
One week it's about the working of the Holy Spirit,
another week it's finding your purpose, another week it's letting go & accepting God's grace. This morning I was thinking about adventure...about how during the summer I was all about adventure & whatever will be will be. I long for adventure now, but I feel so weighed down by responsibilities & financial strain, not that those things weren't present during the summer because they were but I feel more worrisome now. I'm consumed with the "why" of things, knowing "why" in some circumstances is important but I realized knowing or figuring out the "why" isn't always necessary. If I strive for that, I'll never be satisfied because there will always be another "why" & I'll go nuts!
(Ooh I just looked up & saw all these "whys" & thinking man I'm like a 2yr old...)

My desire to know "why" is backed by fear, my fear of letting go. My mind & heart tell me that if I let go & surrender I'll be stuck doing the same thing over & over again. I'll just constantly be disappointed. I then  took that thought a little further & made the realization of.. I haven't surrendered, nor have I let go & I feel like I walk in constant guilt, fear, loneliness & disappointment, always feeling like I am stuck. (That is from not letting go & surrendering) So what are the chances that, if I let go & truly surrendered, I wouldn't be stuck & disappointed? Would I have freedom? Would I have peace? Would I see through the eyes of Jesus?
{On another ironic note, the last page I've written on in my journal, I wrote the lyrics "give my Your eyes so I can see what I keep missing, give me Your heart for the brokenhearted..." by Brandon Heath...my main man} Maybe, just maybe...now for the givin it up. Try it!...ooh gurl it's about to get real.

Apparently I did a lot of thinking today, because I was also pondering this question...
Why do you believe what you believe? My first answer was "I don't know" followed by "well no other belief or religion could spread so far & have such a great effect, in such a massive way, to such a massive amount of people if it were false. So it has to be true. No other god has had that effect on the world. If it is of men it would have failed, there would be so many inconsistencies but if it is/was of God it can't be stopped."  For me to have this debate within me might seem silly or childish, but believe me things have been real. I've been feeling "it"; discontentment, frustration, longing, failure, doubt, unbelief, cynicism, judgement, guilt, anger, loneliness, selfishness & pride.
Like I said earlier, I woke up this morning thinking.. "I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier."  Over & over I hear messages of hope & Christs love, but those messages don't seem to penetrate to the heart. I read some verses in Ephesians this morning that were good & applicable to my current pondering.
Ephesians 5:4 "Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."  I realized I can be so negative, when someone says "life is good!" I immediately think "uh are you kidding me?" which is stupid because honestly, I am blessed, God is good to me but because of my selfishness & pride I refuse to see the good. I thought I was that girl who was an optimist; you know, happy, pleasant, stable, balanced....{uh no dude, apparently I changed my mind & the cup is half gone. The half that is gone was the good stuff all that remains are tears...oh mother of pearl, I cry at the drop of a hat... it's embarrassing. I swear I'm not PMSing nor am I pregnant! for real though...}
The lies Satan feeds me are filthy, foolish & it effects me to have such a negative outlook. In the same chapter of Ephesians verses 6-16 say "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 
Therefore do not become partners with them, for at one time you were in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light (for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true) and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 
For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 
for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 
Awake, O sleeper, 
and arise from the dead 
and Christ will shine on you.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise. 
Making the best use of the time for the days are evil."

I have been so deceived by Satan's empty words, these lies that I believe need to be exposed. I need to live & walk in goodness & honesty. Oh how I want to walk in a wise way, in a way of peace & truth.
God has been bringing up these messages in subtle ways but I've noticed.

Oh Jesus, I want to be free!

Help me to let go, 

S U R R E N D E R,

& rest in the joy,

F R E E D O M 

& P E A C E

of Your presence.

Open my eyes to see how 

You see me, 

get rid of my 

discontentment, frustration, 

 failure, doubt, unbelief, 

cynicism, judgement, guilt, 

anger, loneliness, selfishness,

fear & pride.

Show me how to walk wise,

in goodness & honesty.

Help me to 

W A K E   U P!

a bit of a pouring | emotions & faith

Emotions and faith, do they go together? This is a question I am asking myself regularly, I struggle with this so often. I know the Word of God to be true, however I feel as though I am not seeing anything happen, no feelings of peace or guidance....nothing.
What I know as truth can't seem to be separated from my emotions. Apparently in my mind they exist simultaneously, one can't function without the other. My struggle here is this: I know God is at work (somewhere) but I don't feel it, see it or experience with my senses. 
If I were to rely on emotion alone I fear I would give up because I don't "feel" like anything is happening. If I were to rely on what I know (with no experience) I feel like I would be a cold, robotic, legalistic "Christian". Faith based solely on feelings seems selfish, that kind of faith is all about the experience.
My knowledge of the Bible and my faith in the "reality" (truth) of it as God's word keeps me from giving up and letting go due to the lack of me "seeing/feeling/sensing" the working and presence of God in my own life.
I believe emotions/feelings do play a part in faith. If emotions are removed from faith in Christ the experience is removed. The experience and movement of the Holy Spirit is what convicts and encourages change.
Relying solely on emotions takes the faith part out of being a follower of Christ.
Faith is belief that is not based on proof.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for. ³ By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

I have faith that God is real, that His Word is true and good. I have faith and believe what the Bible says... why is it that I struggle so much with feeling like He is actually doing something? My pride and selfishness in wanting to see and do what I want rather then being still to be aware of what God has. I forget all that God has done, the times of unexplainable  peace in the midst of pain and heartbreak. The times where He has provided what I needed, the times of healing from brokenness and freedom from bondage. 

Martin Luther said... We must not judge by what we feel or by what we see before us. The Word must be followed, and we must firmly hold that these truths are to be believed, not experienced; for to believe is not to experience. Not indeed that what we believe is never to be experienced but that faith is to precede experience. And the Word must be believed even when we feel and experience what differs entirely from the Word.

I'll keep crying out to God, believing His word. That He is good and true. That He is working and has a plan; a plan that goes far beyond what I can ask or imagine. I've been reminded of this several times in the last few days, in conversations with friends and family, from lyrics of a song and sweet truths in God's word.

recognize yall

                                 

I've been thinking about a lot lately, probably too much.

My mind runs wild with all the possibilities,

& the unknowns that come with them.

After returning from Africa, 

 adventure & travel was on my mind. 

All I wanted (want) to do is travel, 

focus on photography, art, media & ministry.

I looked into YWAM DTS programs 

(Youth With A Mission; discipleship training school)

that were centered on creative arts,

I found one in Australia that I was very

interested in & was just about to apply for,

then I found out the cost i had been told was only for the first segment.

The 2nd segment would cost another possible $5,000.

(which meant I'd have to raise about $12,000)

Fundraising for ministry is tough, it's how I've grown up.

I know that God is good & if it was His will He would provide.

I feel like something in me changed after I found out that information.

I kept trying to remember Proverbs 3:5-6, 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

 and lean not on your own understanding, 

in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

{trust in the Lord with all your heart.....} - I have such a hard time with trusting the Lord; 

I have the head knowledge but my heart/feelings/emotions don't seem to catch on.

I know the Word of the Lord is true, all the time.

Even when I say my thoughts out loud &

compared to the Bible, what I think or say is false.

I continue to move forward & think that way.

Do feelings really have any place in being a follower of Christ?

Sometimes I have a really hard time knowing what "trusting with all your heart" is or what it looks like.

I want to trust God with everything.

I want to do what God wants me to do.

I want to follow His purpose for me.

I want to walk in His ways.

I want to live a life that pleases Him.

I want my life to be an example.

I want others to see Jesus in me.

I want to have a humble & contrite heart.

I want to be filled with peace & joy.

I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I want to walk with Jesus.

I want to have a personal, intimate relationship with Him.

I want to have a heart of son (daughter) ship, not an orphans heart.

....yet it seems the more I cry out,

 the more lost & stuck I feel.

The more I ask for wisdom & guidance, 

the less wise & guided I fee.

I am completely lost & stuck,

 I thought I had no idea what I was doing before...

it's more so now. 

I have no clue, none whatsoever, what God wants me to do, 

where He wants me to go. If He wants me to stay. I am not at peace,

yet crying out is doing nothing but make me more unsure &i miserable.

{...lean not on your own understanding....}

 I am so incredibly imperfect & flawed,

yet I can't let go of what I know & see.

The finite view I am privy to,

that only stretches so far.

 

...and every time it stops.

can't go any further.

how do I let go of dwelling on my own understanding?

because I want to so badly!

{...in all your ways acknowledge Him...}

ac·knowl·edge

   [ak-nol-ij]  means.....

verb (used with object), ac·knowl·edged, ac·knowl·edg·ing.

1.

to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth,or fact of: to acknowledge one's mistakes.

2.

to show or express recognition or realization of: to acknowledge an acquaintance by nodding.

3.

to recognize the authority, validity, or claims of: The students acknowledged the authority of the student council.

4.

to show or express appreciation or gratitude for: to acknowledge a favor.

5.

to indicate or make known the receipt of: to acknowledge a letter.

So basically in everything admit the existence of God

& His presence.

Show gratitude & appreciation 

& make known...

{Recognize yall}

By faith. We must repose an entire confidence in the wisdom, power, and goodness of God, assuring ourselves of the extent of his providence to all the creatures and all their actions. 

Those that put themselves under a divine guidance shall always have the benefit of it. God will give them that wisdom which is profitable to direct, so that they shall not turn aside into the by-paths of sin, and then will himself so wisely order the event that it shall be to their mind, or (which is equivalent) for their good. Those that faithfully follow the pillar of cloud and fire shall find that though it may lead them about it leads them the right way and will bring them to Canaan at last

(commentary by Matthew Henry)

Psalm 99:5-

Exalt the Lord our God, 

and worship at his footstool; 

He is holy.