Honestly

I am about to break it down, no not dance {my only move is the sprinkler however that is for another day}.
A couple of days ago I posted about an upcoming fast that I am taking part in with my Bible study girls.  I know Biblical fasting is obstaining from food and devoting that time to prayer and seeking God intently.  I wanted to fast from something and do it right but I couldn't think of something that seemed just right.  With every idea that I had cam many excuses why it wouldn't work.  I think a lot of my problem has been discontentment.
 The last few days have been especially hard. Part of my goal for this year is to live with contentment in Jesus Christ. I have really sucked hard core at this the last few weeks. To be honest...

I am NOT content.

I am miserable.

I detest the season I am currently in.

I am angry.

I am irritable,

unhappy,

jealous.

I really believe that God is trying to get my attention, in the area of contentment and jealousy.  I keep hearing things that are happening to other people and it kills me inside because I want what they have. I want that good life, those magical moments...but it doesn't happen. I really don't know how to let go.  For awhile I think it's going well but really it's just a trick, momentary lapse of "control" and it's peaceful so I think I am content. AHHH Oh Jesus help me!

This photo perfectly describes what I feel.

As far as I can see it's just ocean, other then what I am standing on and what is behind me.

I think eventually there is something there maybe. 

I can't get there easily or quickly,

it will take forever.

Alone it is hopeless.

I need to be carried.

I need direction, otherwise I am heading backwards. 

The possibilities are beautiful,

exciting and scary.

No way am I stepping off into this abyss of unknown ahead of me,

not without some help,

guidance,

direction.

If I do....

I.will.sink.

It is foggy, 

I can't see whats ahead,

well after so far.

I am mad,

because I want to be there,

I want to go,

I want to make that step.

But it is like I am glued to where I am,

even though my soul is screaming to go,

dying,

longing to move...

but I can't.

I need a push....

Oh contentment where are you?

Peace, be in my soul.

Awaken me...

to rejoice always,

pray continually 

& give thanks in all circumstances!

Jesus be my guide, 

hold me close.

Open my eyes,

my heart,

my mind.

I want to seek You intently.

I don't know what this will be...

day #15

What? day #15? Woot woot! This is a bit of a record! I am half way to my goal of 30 days of blogging!

I am planning to go beyond that.

Soooo.....I love glitter, mostly I love it around Christmas. Other times of the year I am not so glitzy. Honestly my syle & preferances change all the time. I love decorating, organizing, designing & making things beautiful. (*I am about to be really honest) I struggle a lot because I don't have the space to do what I want to do. By space I mean I do not have my own place. I live with my parents, still. So often I am embarressed by that because the fact that I live with my parents when I am 23 makes me feel very lame, forgotten & unimportant. When I was 15 or 18 I thought that by the time I was 23 I would be at least married & maybe I would even have a baby. Obviously that was not Gods plan for me & I know that it is ok. God is working in my life, I know that. To be even more honest, I am glad that I am not currently who I wanted to be when I was 15 or 18, I would have been lame & not happy. God has done some many things in my life to change me, not all traumatic, tragic or major things but with each heartbreak, loss, disappointment He is shaping me to be who He wants me to be, I am glad because I like that person more & more.

Yet even though I know God is at work, I get those feelings. My biggest passion in life is to serve God be a wife/mother & use the abilities & skills God has given me, to serve Him. I don't really want to have a corporate job or a 9-5 job. I would love to work from home/do freelance photography/crafty/artsy/design. I love business stuff, like writing contracts & agreements & spreadsheets & computers (not in a total I'm a geek way, just normal). I am fascinated by the music business & I love church & worship & working with teenagers & womens ministry. I think it would be amazing to get up in front of many people & speak or teach or be in a band (I do not have enough musical ability to be on the stage though)....the really crazy thing about that last statement is: two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would say that. Anyway, these passions grow & grow, everyday my desire to have a husband, my own home, my own family, gets stronger each day.

Life gets especially challenging around holidays, when decorations go up. My mom & I do not have anywhere near the same style. I have ideas but butting in would not be appropriate, so I will have to wait. My standards of cleanliness are different then every one elses (not only do I live with my parents but also with my brother & sister). I now understand when my mom would complain about how people didn't clean up after themselves...I so get it that now.

Moving out is something I greatly look forward to, sometimes I feel as though if people knew I had been homeschooled, I still live at home & that I am 23 they would look at me in disgust & think "SHE IS A HOMESCHOOLER!" No I am really not... lol

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining or venting again, all of this was in my mind. I am sure God is using this experiance to teach me things & help me grow. He knows when I'll be ready to be a wifey & mother & homemaker...its not my timing, it's His.

"Fear the Lord & he shall give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4

I want to fear You in all I do, I want to trust You in everything. I don't want any doubts anywhere near me. Make me the women You want me to be, keep my eyes & heart open to what You are showing & teaching me.