I don't know what this will be...

day #15

What? day #15? Woot woot! This is a bit of a record! I am half way to my goal of 30 days of blogging!

I am planning to go beyond that.

Soooo.....I love glitter, mostly I love it around Christmas. Other times of the year I am not so glitzy. Honestly my syle & preferances change all the time. I love decorating, organizing, designing & making things beautiful. (*I am about to be really honest) I struggle a lot because I don't have the space to do what I want to do. By space I mean I do not have my own place. I live with my parents, still. So often I am embarressed by that because the fact that I live with my parents when I am 23 makes me feel very lame, forgotten & unimportant. When I was 15 or 18 I thought that by the time I was 23 I would be at least married & maybe I would even have a baby. Obviously that was not Gods plan for me & I know that it is ok. God is working in my life, I know that. To be even more honest, I am glad that I am not currently who I wanted to be when I was 15 or 18, I would have been lame & not happy. God has done some many things in my life to change me, not all traumatic, tragic or major things but with each heartbreak, loss, disappointment He is shaping me to be who He wants me to be, I am glad because I like that person more & more.

Yet even though I know God is at work, I get those feelings. My biggest passion in life is to serve God be a wife/mother & use the abilities & skills God has given me, to serve Him. I don't really want to have a corporate job or a 9-5 job. I would love to work from home/do freelance photography/crafty/artsy/design. I love business stuff, like writing contracts & agreements & spreadsheets & computers (not in a total I'm a geek way, just normal). I am fascinated by the music business & I love church & worship & working with teenagers & womens ministry. I think it would be amazing to get up in front of many people & speak or teach or be in a band (I do not have enough musical ability to be on the stage though)....the really crazy thing about that last statement is: two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would say that. Anyway, these passions grow & grow, everyday my desire to have a husband, my own home, my own family, gets stronger each day.

Life gets especially challenging around holidays, when decorations go up. My mom & I do not have anywhere near the same style. I have ideas but butting in would not be appropriate, so I will have to wait. My standards of cleanliness are different then every one elses (not only do I live with my parents but also with my brother & sister). I now understand when my mom would complain about how people didn't clean up after themselves...I so get it that now.

Moving out is something I greatly look forward to, sometimes I feel as though if people knew I had been homeschooled, I still live at home & that I am 23 they would look at me in disgust & think "SHE IS A HOMESCHOOLER!" No I am really not... lol

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining or venting again, all of this was in my mind. I am sure God is using this experiance to teach me things & help me grow. He knows when I'll be ready to be a wifey & mother & homemaker...its not my timing, it's His.

"Fear the Lord & he shall give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4

I want to fear You in all I do, I want to trust You in everything. I don't want any doubts anywhere near me. Make me the women You want me to be, keep my eyes & heart open to what You are showing & teaching me.

Vent

day #8

I work at a homeless shelter for women & children. It is a Christian organization with emloyees who are all believers. We work together to share the gospel, the love of Christ & help these women by meeting their needs. However we have rules, guidelines & we are strict. If they do not follow the rules & guidelines they get a reminder or reprimand depending on the severity of the infraction. When 3 reprimands are received the guest is given a leave notice & can not return for 60 days. Those among other rules are expected to be followed. When each guest comes they read our guidelines & agree to follow the rules we had laid out. Yet everyday guests come to us & complain about something they don't want to do or some issue they have with the rules. Even though they have all read & agreed to follow them.
My compassion for people in need is growing yet I am so frustrated when I constently hear complaints about what is going on at this facility. The majority of the guests seem to think the staff is out to get the & that we want them to be miserable & that we are double standard. Honestly if you don't want to follow the rules, then leave we are not keeping you here. But leaving will have consequences (like not being able to come back for 60 days). The guests seem to think that this is their home, in a way I suppose it is a home of sorts. It is not their home though, if they get to comfortable than why make an effort to get out? Why try to find housing or a job when you can stay here for free as long as you follow a few rules?

This is just me venting. My co-workers & I all love the Lord & we are committed to serving Him. Our goal is to show these ladies the love of Christ, but it is hard when ones level of compassion doesn't go as high as it should. I like working on the family floor much better because I love kids & there isn't as much drama or attitude. My level of compassion is greater for the families, I don't know why...it just is.

Sitting here this afternoon & hearing all the complaining & snarky comments just make me sad. I thought about going to talk to them but I didn't have the right words or heart attitude to start something. What I guess I need to do is pray over the time at work before I start. Commit the time to the Lord & ask that I would be gracious, merciful & compassionate to those I am serving.

God, be merciful to me. My attitude has not been very Christlike this afternoon. Broaden my scope give me a greater compassion & servant attitude. May I serve You with a humble heart. Come & fill this place with Your spirit. Make Yourslef known to these women, that they might see You & know You. That they see & believe Your truth & go Your way.