Monday, March 19, 2012

On my heart: Background

This past weekend I was able to visit a friend in Flint.
I can't tell you how nice it is to get away, even if away is only about an hour away.

This season of my life stresses me out,
mostly because I truthfully do not want to be in it.
I have a lot of freedom, in a way.
I am not totally tied down,
well other then having a job schedule to work around.
Yes, in a way that is nice.
But when one's deepest longing is to be tied down,
have roots of your own....
& it's not happening

As I was walking around downtown Flint with my friend I felt at peace,
maybe it was due to expections for the rest of that day or the next.
Maybe my peace was due to doing what I wanted for then
& maybe (most likely) God had just given me that peace.

My almost two days in Flint had me thinking back to the month before when I had last visited.
I remembered my heart of discontentment,
I was bitter, angry...just a little bit.
That outer coating on my soul was so unhappy.

As I was driving, I knew my attitude had changed ever so slightly.
I felt more at peace then the last time.
A bit more content,
not totally ok or happy with all things in my life,
but more content.

My expectations from this weekend away weren't fully met,
but that is ok, things never work out that way.

Church Sunday morning was such a welcome change.
My friends church is quite different then mine,
& it pains me to say that I find my home church dull,
not totally lifeless,
but I don't feel like I fit there anymore.
Though my home church is very welcoming & friendly;
I feel my time there will soon be over.
I don't know when or where I will go after but I feel starved for more.
Starved for what I am not getting there.
My heart is in a state of unrest
{that is a story for another day, God is still working in me...}

As I was sitting in my friends church I felt so much peace,
the message spoke to my heart...
I was praying that God would use this message to help me make changes for good.
Once I came home I knew I would be challenged.

My mind was on the message, the thoughts of..
Am I just doing my duty?
Am I going above & beyond?
The gospel goes above & beyond what is simply needed.
Is sacrifical worship the state of my life?
Is it my true, deep down desire to know Jesus?

I know I am so plagued by guilt,

I have so far to go,
so much to work on.
I forget so often that I don't have to do anything to recieve the love of Christ.
He died for me when I was still a sinner,
He loved me first.
Why do I think I have to do all these things to get the right
combination for things to just fall in place?


God is working on my heart,
teaching me about humility.
I was listening to Lecraes song "Background"
this morning & I listened to it several times,
aparently I was to work on humility today.

"I could play the background cuz I get in the way.
Let me fall back, not be the star
but stardust, leading to the Superstar."

So I guess that is my goal,

Jesus, may my heart be humbled.
Bowed down to You.
May I seek Your face,
create in me a broken & contrite spirit.
Oh let me run to You
& learn from You.

May I be gentle
& patient,
casting all anxiety,
consider others better then myself,
slander no one.
May I live peaceable
& be considerate,
self-controlled & alert.

Let me play the background....
& trust in You.

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