On my heart: Background

This past weekend I was able to visit a friend in Flint.

I can't tell you how nice it is to get away, even if away is only about an hour away.

This season of my life stresses me out,

mostly because I truthfully do not want to be in it.

I have a lot of freedom, in a way.

I am not totally tied down,

well other then having a job schedule to work around.

Yes, in a way that is nice.

But when one's deepest longing is to be tied down,

have roots of your own....

& it's not happening

that.is.stressful.

As I was walking around downtown Flint with my friend I felt at peace,

maybe it was due to expections for the rest of that day or the next.

Maybe my peace was due to doing what I wanted for then

& maybe (most likely) God had just given me that peace.

My almost two days in Flint had me thinking back to the month before when I had last visited.

I remembered my heart of discontentment,

I was bitter, angry...just a little bit.

That outer coating on my soul was so unhappy.

As I was driving, I knew my attitude had changed ever so slightly.

I felt more at peace then the last time.

A bit more content,

not totally ok or happy with all things in my life,

but more content.

My expectations from this weekend away weren't fully met,

but that is ok, things never work out that way.

Church Sunday morning was such a welcome change.
My friends church is quite different then mine,

& it pains me to say that I find my home church dull,

not totally lifeless,

but I don't feel like I fit there anymore.

Though my home church is very welcoming & friendly;

I feel my time there will soon be over.

I don't know when or where I will go after but I feel starved for more.

Starved for what I am not getting there.

My heart is in a state of unrest

{that is a story for another day, God is still working in me...}

As I was sitting in my friends church I felt so much peace,

the message spoke to my heart...

I was praying that God would use this message to help me make changes for good.

Once I came home I knew I would be challenged.

My mind was on the message, the thoughts of..

Am I just doing my duty?

Am I going above & beyond?

The gospel goes above & beyond what is simply needed.

Is sacrifical worship the state of my life?

Is it my true, deep down desire to know Jesus?

I know I am so plagued by guilt,

self-conciousness,

excuses,

planning,

&

pride.

I have so far to go,

so much to work on.

I forget so often that I don't have to do anything to recieve the love of Christ.

He died for me when I was still a sinner,

He loved me first.

Why do I think I have to do all these things to get the right

combination for things to just fall in place?

 

God is working on my heart,

teaching me about humility.

I was listening to Lecraes song "Background"

this morning & I listened to it several times,

aparently I was to work on humility today.

"I could play the background cuz I get in the way.

Let me fall back, not be the star

but stardust, leading to the Superstar."

So I guess that is my goal,

H.U.M.I.L.I.T.Y.

Jesus, may my heart be humbled.

Bowed down to You.

May I seek Your face,

create in me a broken & contrite spirit.

Oh let me run to You

& learn from You.

May I be gentle

& patient,

casting all anxiety,

consider others better then myself,

slander no one.

May I live peaceable

& be considerate,

self-controlled & alert.

Let me play the background....

& trust in You.

Funny

Tonight I had a 7yr old girl helping me fold laundry. She was making me laugh.
She said she had 5 crushes, Justin Beiber, Jonas Brothers and some other guy. This girl told me that it's hard have a boyfriend, the girls be always screaming when the baby comes.

She also told me I remind her of Ms. Beth, I told her I was Ms. Beth....she was blown away.

As we were putting the laundry away she saw a ceiling tile was gone, she asked what it was.
So many kids ask me that. I always tell them it is where all the bad kids get sucked up when they don't listen to their moms or when they are mean to their moms. They get sucked up to the 3rd floor where it's so magical it's like Disney. They get straightened out and get sent back. (After a few minutes I tell them I am joking so they aren't freaked out) this girl was trippin...she said she was all fearful, but we set things straight.

First Newborn Session

These photos are from my very first newborn session.

To see more check out my photo blog.

News!

 

For the last 10 or more summers I have been involved with a particular ministry, 

this summer that all changes.

This summer will be different then any other summer,

the schedule will be different.

My sister and I have felt led to go to South Africa for two weeks to work with Impact Africa.

My sister did a two month internship with this ministry last summer.

I would have loved to go for a longer time but due to scheduling we are only able to go for two weeks.

The last two summers my sister has come back from Africa changed. 

Telling many stories of what she had seen and what God had done in and through her.

I am so thrilled to be going to the same places where she has seen God work in mighty ways.

I am excited to be in a different ministry environment,

experience a different culture and be blown away for what God will do.

There is much to do before we head to South Africa,

thankfully I shouldn't have to get shots and I already have a passport!

Will you be willing to pray for my sister and I as we prepare for South Africa?

 

TO SOUTH AFRICA!

IMPACT AFRICA

JULY 28-AUGUST 12

-Shack to shack ministry

-Sharing the gospel in squatter camps

-Helping in a women's conference

PLEASE PRAY THAT:

-God would provide the financial needs in order to go to South Africa.

-Our hearts would be set on Jesus as we prepare to go. The point in going is to love on the people we meet, share who Jesus is with them and to show them the hope that Jesus brings. We desire to be prepared for what God has and not let our personal "ideas" or expectations get in the way of what God has planned.

-There might be others who would desire to go and serve as well.

-God would move in the hearts of the people we come in contact.

For more info about South Africa and what is going on within her heart, 

you can visit the blog of my sister here. 

On My Plate No. 007

Chicken Salad Wraps

Didn't stick much to the recipe,

used a lot of veggies,

whole wheat tortillas.

all the yummy veggies!

Tomato soup (from a can), pretty good!

Smoothies...banana, strawberry, milk, pineapple, yogurt.

My friend and I try to get together each week to cook/bake and chat.

Today we sat on the porch, so lovely sitting in the sun!

This fantastic creation is

Reese's Peanut Butter Bars,

Oh my lanta!!! so so so good!

The weather has been crazy beautiful for the last few days. 

today the temp came to 80!

Today was crazy, at work I was the night-shift manager, 

I am sort of in training even though I have been night-shift manager twice.

Today the phone would not stop ringing and it was so hot in the office.

Things went well regardless, glory!

God is good

& big

& He loves me!

That is all for now.

Alive & relevant

Throughout my day today I was listening to sermons from Mars Hill Church, the sermons were by Mark Driscoll & other pastors from that church. I use to do this often but I haven't done it recently. So in my attempts to get ready for the say and study for a Greek exam I listened to three or four sermsons, the following are notes I made with my additional comments:

fruit of the spirit...
love,
joy,
peace,
patience,
kindness,
goodness,
gentleness,
faithfulness,
self-control...
don't just do it, be it.

hypocrisy is walking away from Jesus, not running to him.
Walking through life you get "dirt" on your feet. {SINS}
Being a "christian hypocrite" happens...but not the way that the world thinks.
Because we are all humans, sinners save by grace, we do wrong.
When you become a christian it doesn't mean you become perfect, or that all of a sudden life just works out and you get everything you want.
What happens is this: a human, sinner by nature humbles themselves before God, admits his or her need and becomes forgiven...not perfect.

Dont live in fear of doing something wrong,
Live prayerfully that sin  is not terminal.
God is a loving gracious God, a forgiving God.

Lord, let my faith be bigger then my sin.
Let me return in midst if identity crisis.
Keep me in tact, let me return
May my sins not be terminal,
when I do wrong, may I run to You,
confess and ask forgiveness.


What is really awesome  is that these notes and some of what I have been going through lately came into play tonight during chapel at work (womens shelter). I was able to make comments in chapel and speak with a young mom who seems to have similar struggles, just like 2 Corinthians 1 says.

God is good!
I was so encouraged in chapel beacuse ladies were asking questions, making things come alive and relevant.

*{Breath}*
Halleluuuurrr!
Tonight has been a little crazy, well the last few hours, pardon my brief break so I can take a breath....
{AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH}
At work I have been "training" for the Intake 1 (Nightshift Manager position) for the last few weeks. Tonight I was able to step in a be the Intake 1 for a 1st un-offical time.
[goodbye exam studies] oh well it was good, I did many things I hadn't done before but I am left feeling like I still have a lot to learn. All of those things being situational and can only be learned on the job; I am fearful and at the same time excited for this new position opportunity.
Anyway, at this point I am ready to go home and go to bed!

Thursday

My arms are killing me..
holding baby last night

Oh my goodness, I love this little guy.
"Aunt Beffy" is loving this honorary Aunt thing

& holding baby for hours this afternoon
plus a workout this AM
makes my arms ache.


so much has been on my mind lately,
had a surprisingly, encouraging conversation
which was so needed.

more thinking yet to be done....

On My Plate No. 006

Thin crust pizza

I used the recipe for the crust only.

The toppings I just used what I had.

Sauce: Balsamic vinaigrette, honey mustard dressing, garlic.

Toppings: cheese, tomato, spinach, red onion, Parmesan cheese.

Couragous

Strong and courageous, ooh that is not me. 

I am more like weak and fearful.

Out of focus,

weary,

aggitated...

I really don't know what is going on,

Jesus is teaching me something.

Oh I pray I catch on,

that my eyes are open,

my mind accepting

& my heart willing!

Oh how hard this is at time.

Jesus help me to love You & love others!

On My Plate No. 005

Spinach & Onion Quick Bread 

This bread is so good & pretty easy to make.

Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookies 

My Hope.

I read this verse last night,

spoke to me.

Sums up what I have been feeling.

This morning on the way to the gym I was listening to Sanctus Real (Pieces of a Broken Heart), I have been listening to the song consistently in the car for the last week.

The songs become so familiar because I tend to listen to a CD over & over & over but many times as I am listening, something new pops out to me....

all of sudden BANG!

some new thought, this is what stuck with me this morning.

Update.

Update, Update...I have been so bad about posting lately.

My intentions are to post at least every other day, however when I sit down to write, I have nothing to say.

Here is what I have been up to the last sever days:

Are these shoes not lovely?

Yes, well I baughts them from Payless a few years ago and wore them maybe once or twice.

They were maybe $3 (which is why I got them).

I have been a really into cleaning & cleansing this week,

getting rid of stuff makes me happy.

I found these shoes & was about to give them to my sister when I put them on

& thought "what if I took the flowers off?"

So I did &

Ta-da!

I like them so much more now!

Now..when to wear them.

{Too bad my work uniform is grey & red}



Grey infinity scarf.
{Headband: @ Target}



WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!

I made that grey scarf.

I have finished knitting two three things this year!

{crocheting is another story...}

On Thursday night my Bible study group got together for mediteranean food, World Market & Fro-Yo.

I am so thankful for the friends God has put in my life,

He has given me some really great, godly, young ladies.

On Friday night I got together with some friends for soup & a movie.

My friend had gotten some Chai Coloa at World Market the night before.

I had never heard of this before but we all tasted it & decided it would be perfect for a float.

{BTW if you don't know what World Market is I am sorry!

Basically it is a store with items from all over the world:

 home wares, art, furniture, jewelry, food, coffee, tea....it is fabulous!}

Oh, one more thing,

almost two weeks ago my best friend & her husband welcomed their first child to this world

& I get to be "Honorary Aunt Beffy"

Sooo Introducing this little guy:

my "honorary nephew"

MICAIAH

He is so beautiful,

& he makes the greatest faces

& I love him.

[btw I apologize for the quality of the photos, only camera phone photos today]

Humility 2

I can't seem to keep myself together lately...
or maybe it's just more of that humility medicine.
When I came home tonight I put on PJs and was being silly.
Again my attitude was that of "I'm so cool & so darn amusing"
then I was told my pj pants were on backwards...
how does that happen when one is dressing in a well lit room and has their contacts in?
Please tell me how?

{ones mind has been elsewhere....ALL WEEK}

Humility.

I am seeing ways that God is humbling me.

When my attitude is a little to cocky & "me centered" little inconvenient things happen.

Such as:

Walking out of the gym feeling really good about myself, thinking

"yeah I am A.W.E.S.O.M.E, cuz I work out!"

&

dropping my water bottle in the gym parking lot & having to chase it for a couple minutes...while.people.are.watching. [Yeah you are soooo awesome now!]

OR

Sitting at the Crepe Company in Flint chatting with my friend & drinking hot tea thinking:

"I am so C.L.A.S.S.Y...& soooooo cool"

&

spilling hot tea down my shirt & onto my pants {so looked like I had an accident}

btw..how did I not feel the HOT tea spilling on me? [Yes, true class madam, true class!]

I don't know if these mishaps were really God humbling me or if they were just two incidents that were unrelated. I do know that my attitude both times was full of self-confidence & cockiness.

Oh Jesus, lover of my soul.

Deliver me...

Keep my heart bowed down to You;

in big things & in small ways of obedience.

No fear.

I found this on a Facebook friends page, so true...

{A life of fear is not what I have called you to. Insecurities were never meant to be your best friend. Worry should never trap you in a love/hate relationship. You ask "Who's going to take care of me?" ME! I am. I'm your Father. I know your needs along with your desires. You're not an inconvenience to me!-God}

It has been crazy at work.
My weekend away was so nice, but I can tall it is definitely over.
I wish I could do those things here, or go back easier.
Over the weekend my mind grasped an idea and ran with it.
I don't know if it is just me or if it was prompted by the Lord.
Those things I don't always know.
I am a bit freaked out by it.... my mind is a crazy thing.
In some ways I can't trust my ideas and my heart.
I am praying for peace of mind & a heart to follow God.
Good, honest, godly motives & intentions.
Focus that is on Jesus & how to further His Kingdom.
Wisdom to know when God is moving,
& when He is trying to get my attention.

Perception.

My weekend was good. I was able to go visit my friend
{she only lives like maybe an hour away, but visits seem hard to fit in...I need to work on that}
Getting away was nice.
A change of pace was something I so desperately needed.
Experiencing something different was so A.W.E.S.O.M.E!
My friend lives in Flint and goes to an intercity church, she has told me so much about it.
Finally I was able to go with her. It was different, it met in a bar, there was no music and the sermon was probably 90 minutes long.....but I.LOVED.IT.
The pastor was great, has such a heart for the Lord and the furtherment of the Kingdom.
With each new day I have come to realize that my perception of things is so wierd.
I asked my friend what I should wear to her church
{at my church I usually dress up skirt or dress pants, that is the way it has always been.}
She told me whatever, jeans and a nice top. I was discussing this with my mom and she made a statement that really made me think.
She said "I wonder when dressing up became the norm for church? In Bible times Christiatns were at 'church' everyday, they probably just wore normal clothes. I bet it started when people went to church for show rather then to worship God"
......WOW! Yeah that makes sense, since when did going to church mean we had to wear our very best. Who are we trying to fool? I think I put more effort into figuring out what I wear to church then what my heart is like.

When my friend told me that this church didn't do music, I thought that was so strange. I thought "no music, no worship time? Wierd". She explained to me that they didn't have anyone at the moment who could fully commit to do music with excellence. I went in thinking it might be a tad strange but I left feeling refreshed and wanting more.
Since when did "worship Jesus/worship time" mean just music, sing a modern "worship" song or a hymn and it will get you in the mood....that is the only way to worship.
Wow how misguided. How many churches are missing so many opportunities because they focus on just music and what they consider "worship" time. It reminds me of a book I have that was written by David Crowder. It's called "Praise Habit" the basic jist of the book is talking about forming a habit or life of praise and worship. Taking  our worship to Jesus out of just a 20-30 minute music time at church, or a few minutes of a new Hillsong song.

I love music.
Music draws me to the Lord in a way that nothing else can, it effects me and brings me to a stronger belief and faith in God.
but is that really ok?
To a certain extent it is, but I have been thinking....
If my worship to God is dependant on music (a certain kind of music or a certain song) what would I do if it was taken away or destroyed? What would I do if I couldn't hear anymore? Or if I couldn't see? Or read?
Would I cease to worship my God?
Where is my treasure?
Where is my heart?
{This is was the sermon was on, where your treasures lie}

My heart is full! My best friend and her husband welcomed their baby boy into the world on Thursday. I just had the privilege to visit them and hold baby Micaiah. He is so beautiful!
*Sigh*

Now I am off to visit a friend for the weekend!

BABY!

So excited! I heard a few moments ago that my best friend had her baby!
Her husband called me and left a message. The babies name is "Michaiah" it means "who is like God?"
I can't wait to see her and the baby!