Saturday, October 13, 2012

struggles, ain't no body got time for that...

self consciousness.

I consistently feel these upon my soul.
like arrows being shot at me.
Yesterday afternoon, I went out with some friends for Autumn photo capturing.
However, unlike most other times I was not the picture taker (for the most part)
I was the subject {we were all suppose to get all dolled up but not all of us did}
When I am behind the camera I have confidence, I am not the very best there ever was..
but I know what I am doing.
I can't pose myself, because I can't see myself to pose myself.
....honestly getting my photo taking is possibly the. most. awkward. thing for me....ever.

Insecurity is something I have always struggled with.
How I look is important to me,
sometimes I can be pretty vain & conceited about how I look.
Which doesn't seem to go with the insecurity & self-conscious view of myself.
Pride  is the root of all sin, so in feeling this way I am sinning.
I was asking Jesus yesterday to "hammar" this awful self image to the ground
(no, I didn't spell that wrong, if you don't think it's funny it is because  you don't know my last name...)

When I feel like this, many times the answer I get from others is this...
"you have to just see yourself how God see's you"
 uhh...ok awesome. but HOW?!?!?!?!?!??
I don't know if this is just me but answers like that are as useful to me as American money in Paris.
{I can say that because I've been there & experienced it.}
A constant struggle in my faith is having it.
Taking the head knowledge to heart knowledge.
I believe the Bible is the inspired, true, Word of God.
I know it. I won't deny it,
feeling it & living it is where my problem comes in.
 [i'm getting down to the nitty-gritty now... lol]

this is my daily struggle.
believing God is for real @ work in my life & has a plan.
I know it, but I don't always believe it.
I'm praying for a hunger to overtake me. I'm praying that I won't be blinded but that my heart & eyes would be open to see the good & the ways God is moving.

rain. rain. rain. all day, it is the cause for canceled photo sessions. One today & one tomorrow.
it was a good day. I completed photos for a client! {2 more to go as of now}
I had NO. zero plans today after the photo shoot was rescheduled. drank a lot of coffee &
for once I didn't spill coffee. however, today I did not go to the gym. but instead got dressed, rather cute to go to Best Buy & Family Video. I think I had intentions of going elsewhere but decided if I were to go elsewhere (namely Target) I would spend $$ on the non-important.
so after returning home with several movies. I started editing & watching movies & drinking coffee.

good stuff. I'm thankful for today, a day to catch up & relax.

*this post seems incomplete & wierd, I apologize, I feel that is all though.
(coming soon...thoughts well written on this)

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