I've been thinking about a lot lately, probably too much.
My mind runs wild with all the possibilities,
& the unknowns that come with them.
After returning from Africa,
adventure & travel was on my mind.
All I wanted (want) to do is travel,
focus on photography, art, media & ministry.
I looked into YWAM DTS programs
(Youth With A Mission; discipleship training school)
that were centered on creative arts,
I found one in Australia that I was very
interested in & was just about to apply for,
then I found out the cost i had been told was only for the first segment.
The 2nd segment would cost another possible $5,000.
(which meant I'd have to raise about $12,000)
Fundraising for ministry is tough, it's how I've grown up.
I know that God is good & if it was His will He would provide.
I feel like something in me changed after I found out that information.
I kept trying to remember Proverbs 3:5-6,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding,
in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
{trust in the Lord with all your heart.....} - I have such a hard time with trusting the Lord;
I have the head knowledge but my heart/feelings/emotions don't seem to catch on.
I know the Word of the Lord is true, all the time.
Even when I say my thoughts out loud &
compared to the Bible, what I think or say is false.
I continue to move forward & think that way.
Do feelings really have any place in being a follower of Christ?
Sometimes I have a really hard time knowing what "trusting with all your heart" is or what it looks like.
I want to trust God with everything.
I want to do what God wants me to do.
I want to follow His purpose for me.
I want to walk in His ways.
I want to live a life that pleases Him.
I want my life to be an example.
I want others to see Jesus in me.
I want to have a humble & contrite heart.
I want to be filled with peace & joy.
I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
I want to walk with Jesus.
I want to have a personal, intimate relationship with Him.
I want to have a heart of son (daughter) ship, not an orphans heart.
....yet it seems the more I cry out,
the more lost & stuck I feel.
The more I ask for wisdom & guidance,
the less wise & guided I fee.
I am completely lost & stuck,
I thought I had no idea what I was doing before...
it's more so now.
I have no clue, none whatsoever, what God wants me to do,
where He wants me to go. If He wants me to stay. I am not at peace,
yet crying out is doing nothing but make me more unsure &i miserable.
{...lean not on your own understanding....}
I am so incredibly imperfect & flawed,
yet I can't let go of what I know & see.
The finite view I am privy to,
that only stretches so far.
...and every time it stops.
can't go any further.
how do I let go of dwelling on my own understanding?
because I want to so badly!
{...in all your ways acknowledge Him...}
verb (used with object), ac·knowl·edged, ac·knowl·edg·ing.
1.
to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth,or fact of: to acknowledge one's mistakes.
2.
to show or express recognition or realization of: to acknowledge an acquaintance by nodding.
3.
to recognize the authority, validity, or claims of: The students acknowledged the authority of the student council.
4.
to show or express appreciation or gratitude for: to acknowledge a favor.
So basically in everything admit the existence of God
& His presence.
Show gratitude & appreciation
& make known...
{Recognize yall}
By faith. We must repose an entire confidence in the wisdom, power, and goodness of God, assuring ourselves of the extent of his providence to all the creatures and all their actions.
Those that put themselves under a divine guidance shall always have the benefit of it. God will give them that wisdom which is profitable to direct, so that they shall not turn aside into the by-paths of sin, and then will himself so wisely order the event that it shall be to their mind, or (which is equivalent) for their good. Those that faithfully follow the pillar of cloud and fire shall find that though it may lead them about it leads them the right way and will bring them to Canaan at last
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