Monday, November 12, 2012

The whys & the inbetween

 God works in subtle obvious ways.
This may sound like an oxymoron,
but alas it is not...

I have been struggling greatly in my spiritual walk,
I've felt as though I have flat lined. I know the Bible is the truth & everything in it is true & right.
Yet, lately I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier.
That was something I realized this morning before getting up, as I was laying in my bed.

I've noticed messages being repeated,
sermons or Bible studies all with common themes.
One week it's about the working of the Holy Spirit,
another week it's finding your purpose, another week it's letting go & accepting God's grace. This morning I was thinking about adventure...about how during the summer I was all about adventure & whatever will be will be. I long for adventure now, but I feel so weighed down by responsibilities & financial strain, not that those things weren't present during the summer because they were but I feel more worrisome now. I'm consumed with the "why" of things, knowing "why" in some circumstances is important but I realized knowing or figuring out the "why" isn't always necessary. If I strive for that, I'll never be satisfied because there will always be another "why" & I'll go nuts!
(Ooh I just looked up & saw all these "whys" & thinking man I'm like a 2yr old...)

My desire to know "why" is backed by fear, my fear of letting go. My mind & heart tell me that if I let go & surrender I'll be stuck doing the same thing over & over again. I'll just constantly be disappointed. I then  took that thought a little further & made the realization of.. I haven't surrendered, nor have I let go & I feel like I walk in constant guilt, fear, loneliness & disappointment, always feeling like I am stuck. (That is from not letting go & surrendering) So what are the chances that, if I let go & truly surrendered, I wouldn't be stuck & disappointed? Would I have freedom? Would I have peace? Would I see through the eyes of Jesus?
{On another ironic note, the last page I've written on in my journal, I wrote the lyrics "give my Your eyes so I can see what I keep missing, give me Your heart for the brokenhearted..." by Brandon main man} Maybe, just for the givin it up. Try it!...ooh gurl it's about to get real.

Apparently I did a lot of thinking today, because I was also pondering this question...
Why do you believe what you believe? My first answer was "I don't know" followed by "well no other belief or religion could spread so far & have such a great effect, in such a massive way, to such a massive amount of people if it were false. So it has to be true. No other god has had that effect on the world. If it is of men it would have failed, there would be so many inconsistencies but if it is/was of God it can't be stopped."  For me to have this debate within me might seem silly or childish, but believe me things have been real. I've been feeling "it"; discontentment, frustration, longing, failure, doubt, unbelief, cynicism, judgement, guilt, anger, loneliness, selfishness & pride.
Like I said earlier, I woke up this morning thinking.. "I'd just assume believe, live & walk out the lies Satan feeds me, like it is easier."  Over & over I hear messages of hope & Christs love, but those messages don't seem to penetrate to the heart. I read some verses in Ephesians this morning that were good & applicable to my current pondering.
Ephesians 5:4 "Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. I realized I can be so negative, when someone says "life is good!" I immediately think "uh are you kidding me?" which is stupid because honestly, I am blessed, God is good to me but because of my selfishness & pride I refuse to see the good. I thought I was that girl who was an optimist; you know, happy, pleasant, stable, balanced....{uh no dude, apparently I changed my mind & the cup is half gone. The half that is gone was the good stuff all that remains are tears...oh mother of pearl, I cry at the drop of a hat... it's embarrassing. I swear I'm not PMSing nor am I pregnant! for real though...}
The lies Satan feeds me are filthy, foolish & it effects me to have such a negative outlook. In the same chapter of Ephesians verses 6-16 say "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 
Therefore do not become partners with them, for at one time you were in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light (for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true) and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 
For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 
for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 
Awake, O sleeper, 
and arise from the dead 
and Christ will shine on you.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise. 
Making the best use of the time for the days are evil."

I have been so deceived by Satan's empty words, these lies that I believe need to be exposed. I need to live & walk in goodness & honesty. Oh how I want to walk in a wise way, in a way of peace & truth.
God has been bringing up these messages in subtle ways but I've noticed.
Oh Jesus, I want to be free!
Help me to let go, 
S U R R E N D E R,
& rest in the joy,
F R E E D O M 
& P E A C E
of Your presence.
Open my eyes to see how 
You see me, 
get rid of my 
discontentment, frustration, 
 failure, doubt, unbelief, 
cynicism, judgement, guilt, 
anger, loneliness, selfishness,
fear & pride.
Show me how to walk wise,
in goodness & honesty.
Help me to 
W A K E   U P!

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